I woke up to the sound of explosions and knew instantly that the Daspletosauruses were back, and they'd brought their rocket launchers.
I rolled out of my bivouac, my BFG90001 (which I sleep with loaded and with the safety off in case something like this happens) already ready and started blasting grapefruit sized blasts of pure condensed 100% flaming whup ass encased in Teflon and fuck-up-your-morning-suckas at the dozen dinos stampeding for my camp.
The air filled with the screams of dinosaurs screaming in pain, my own laughter, and that weird splotching-spleltching sound you get when grapefruit sized blasts of condensed 100% flaming whup ass encased in Teflon and fuck-up-your-morning-suckas take grapefruit-sized chunks out of dinosaurs.
It was totally radical. At the end I was soaked in green blood (don't let those stuffed up paleontologists tell you otherwise, dinosaurs bleed green, bizzatches) and surrounded by dead Daspletosauruses. I looked around and saw that their rocket launchers had only managed to blow up my bivouac, my carefully constructed firepit, and my boxes of supplies. Losers totally missed my motorcycle (which has super sweet bigass wheels with spikes on the side which are TOTALLY USEFUL for dealing with punks on the road) and the bag where I keep my porn, booze, and ammo.
I went over to get my bag and a laser blast grazed my arm. There was one tiny Daspletosaurus I forgot to kill who'd been hiding behind my bike, though he had a super bad limp so I'm guessing I ALMOST killed him, which is like good enough.
"Asshole!" I said. I aimed my BFG9001 at him.
"You have not seen the last of us, Erik Killblood!" He limped backwards, still talking through this little speaker-thing around his neck that lets Dinopauds speak in the planet Erath's national language: American English. "You will pay for what you did to our most sacred of temples-"
"I only blew it up a little! Gawd, you Dino Saurous worshipers are so fucking sensitive about your stupid old holy relics-"
He tapped the speaker and turned the volume up so he could shout. "BLASPHEMER! We are legion, we are many! We will destroy you! YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME, ERIK KILLBLOOD! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE-"
I was gettin kinda bored and he was probably going to, like, tell people where I was- which I wouldn't have minded so much cuz I can totally take on a bunch of Daspletosauruses one-handed, but it woulda cut into my drinking and porn time, so I shot him with my BFG9001 and he turned into a smoking crater.
"Aww man," I said. My bag was all covered in dinosaur blood. I checked and all my stuff was all gross and my rags were totally unsexy now.
"Fuck," I said.
I tossed out the now unsexy porn and went to my bike. I'd have to find a new place to stay anyways since my bivouac got all blowed up. So I rode out across the desert on my wicked awesome bike and left all those dead super intelligent dinosaurs for the space buzzards to eat.
A few miles down the road was this old po-dink ghost town. Like, the tallest house was two stories and all the buildings were boarded up and also the place was full of the astral memory things of, like, all the people who'd died during the last ecto-bombing from that war like a gazillion years ago. But it's cool because you can totally just go through them without having to slow down cuz they're all spectral and shit. Somewhere in town a few ghosts just wouldn't shut the fuck up with the wailing. Man, ghosts are a major drag. I'm glad they're all dead, cuz I bet they'd be even more annoying in real life. More more annoying, actually, since then I wouldn't be able to ride my bike through them without getting into trouble.
It was a choice between food booze and porn, and I'd drunk a LOT of my booze on the ride down, so beer and food won out and I went to the abandoned grocery store. I put on the heat and rode my bike right through the big glass window out front (which was NOT boarded up, so awesome!) and landed inside right next to the aisle with the chips.
So I got the stuff and I was packing it up and about to ride back out through another window that hadn't been boarded up (because going out a window with a hole already in it is laaaame) when I heard this thumping noise coming from a door nearby. There was a sign posted at the door that said 'do not enter', but excessive reading is for chumps so I kicked down the door with my awesome steel boots and went inside.
There were a bunch of these weird dudes in these weird hooded robes and stuff chilling on these big couches. They were smoking ganja and eating munchies.
"Dudes. Where'd you get the bud?"
One of them fell out of his chair. "Oh shit," he said.
"Oh shit," I said.
His face was all messed up. Like an ugly-assed squashed pig face with big old tusks.
Then a door opened up behind him that I didn't notice before and another squashed-faced ugly pig dude in a robe came out, only his robe was all covered in clearish blueish whitish ghost blood. He was holding this big pickle jar filled with more ghost blood.
"Alright, gentlemen," he said.” I think that's enough for the ceremony and- oh." He saw me.
"Sup, dude?" I said.
"Shit," he said.
"What's with the ghost blood?" I said. "That shit's nasty."
"Shit," he said again. He looked at all the other pig faced ugly dudes. "Guys, you were supposed to stop any intruders."
"I didn't intrude nothin. I just walked in."
"Now we have to kill you."
"Nuh-huh," I said.
"Yeah-huh," he said.
"Fuck you guys, I'm outta here."
I walked out cuz those guys were totally screwy, man, and went back to my bike. They all poured outta the room and their hands were all glowy purple and blue and black and shit and I'm like thinking, fuckin wizards. So I took a few grenades from my bag (they're only for special occasions because my ex girlfriend gave them to me. And there ain't nothing specialler than making a wizard go asplodo) and got out on the bike just in time for the explosion to get my back all toasty. I wish somebody other than those damned ghosts had been outside to see it. Somebody with a camera, maybe, because- fuck, man, I bet it looked sweet.
So I rode through the bunch of ghosts- and hey, the ones who'd been wailing earlier had shut up, so I guess they must've been the ones being all cut up. Whatever. Anyways, I went to some abandoned motel and crashed out there in a food-coma after gorging on junk food. I guess I shoulda left town or something since if the wizard pig dudes hadn't all exploded (and that's a legitimate problem with wizards. You can shove a grenade up their ass and they'll still figure out a way to come and mess up your shit later), then they probably knew where I was, but I was waaaaay too drunk to think that far ahead. 'Sides, that would've been like running away and I DO NOT RUN AWAY because running away is for pussies.
So I zonked out until somebody jabbed me with something sharp. I looked up and one of the ugly assed pig-faced guys from the store with tusks and a helmet with SUPER AWESOME Viking horns on it was aiming a ray gun at my head.
"Dude," I said. "Awesome helmet."
"Thanks bro," he said. "Totally taking you hostage now."
"Oh man that sucks."
"Are you going to come peacefully?" he said.
"Can I bring my porn with me?"
I jumped up and tried to spin-tackle-fly-kick at him like I saw in this movie one time, but he must've done something cuz I wound up all tangled up on like the floor and then all these tusked guys tackled me even though I was still on the ground and then I totally blacked out.
I woke up someplace dark and smelly and some naggy female voice was nagging me to wake up, so I figured I was ten again and my mom wanted me to get up and go dig space potatoes in the back yard for breakfast.
"Hey!" she said. "Get up."
"Five more minutes if you love me."
"What? Come on, get up."
"Go fuck my father and leave me alone, you old hag!"
I opened my eyes and saw that the dank place was a dungeon and not my bedroom, and the lady wasn't my mom, she was way hotter and wearing some white dress that showed a good chunk of her boobs. Sweet.
So I sat up on the moldy hay on the floor and leaned back against the brick wall. There were like chains and stuff hanging from the walls and some weird stains in some places. Gawd, I hate it when people can't even like take the time to clean out their dungeons. Totally rude, man.
"Who the hell are you? Where are we, and what are you doing here?"
"My name's Anja," she said. "We're in a dungeon below the castle of the Cult of Hagrath. They need to sacrifice me to bring their evil god of evil into a physical manifestation."
"Evil god of evil?"
"Hagrath the Bringer of Darkness and Intestinal Discomfort."
"He doesn't sound so tough."
"He's also supposed to be the god of hangovers."
"THAT BASTARD! I'LL KILL THEM! I'LL KILL THEM ALL!"
"They're also going to take over the country by blowing up Mega-Nekopolis and turning all the leftover humans into zombie mutant drones."
"That sucks too."
And then she started telling me about her family and how she was a princess and about her past and childhood and how her uncle was, like, some evil guy who took her dad's throne and shit, but I wasn't really listening because I was looking at her rack. She had a nice rack.
"You listen so well!" she said.
"Uh-huh. Can I see your boobs?"
She looked around. "We should probably figure out how to get out of here," she said.
"Yeah, I guess." If she wasn't gonna show me her tits then that probably meant I wasn't gonna get laid, so I guess there really was no reason to hang around in that dungeon. I took out my Swiss army laser from my boot (that's where I keep important things that are small enough to fit in my boot) and went over to the bars on the door and sliced them open.
"You had that with you the whole time?" she said.
"Um. Yeah?" I flicked the Swiss army laser up and around and held out my foot so it landed snugly back into my boot (SWEET. That hardly ever actually works). She wasn't impressed, though. She just brushed right past me and out the hole in the door I'd made.
"Ice queen," I muttered.
"What?" she snapped.
There were some more cells and chains and weird little cages and stuff, but they were all empty so we just ignored them. The whole place smelled totally gross.
So we went up the dank-assed stairs and into this big-assed upper dungeon thing and out into this long-hallway and then these guards (I knew they were guards because they had horny helmets) came out of nowhere. They all had laser canons and were all shooting at us and I was TOTALLY ready to take them all on by myself with my own fists and teeth, but the chick What'sHerFace, dove out this window onto the roof and since I am TOTALLY CHIVALROUS AND SHIT I went after her.
Didn't help much: the ugly pig-faced robed guys with helmets just started shooting at us from out the window. We rolled down the roof onto the next level of roof and onto like a jutting balcony thing. Before we could do anything at all, THAT gave way and broke and we landed on the dirt.
"Ow." I said.
"Ow," she said.
"Hello," said an ugly-assed pig faced robed guy wearing a Pope hat. We were surrounded by them (though he was the only one with a fancy pope hat, and only a few people had the horny helmets). And this time their robes and shit were all black with red on them instead of dark green.
"You guys have those in different colors?" I said.
"Yes!" said one of the ones without a Pope hat. "Day ones, dinner ones, evening ones, fancy dress ones, casual ones-"
"SILENCE!" shouted Pigfaced Pope Guy. "Princess Anja. Erik. We're glad you two could join us. I'd just sent a few brothers to retrieve you."
"Who the fuck's Anja?" I said. What'sHerFace elbowed me.
The robed guys off to the side moved out of the way and I saw two things: an alter table thing all carved up and stained with different colors of blood (I recognized the green as Martianese, and some light blue as unicorn blood, and a whole lot of it was ghost blood, but I didn't recognize the yellowy stuff.) Next to it was like this huuuuge canon missile badass looking weapon thing. The side of it said, 'Killsplosive Cannon'.
"Awesome Killsplosive Cannon," I said.
"Thanks," said the shot techie pig-faced monk working the controls.
Then Pigfaced Pope Guy kinda went off on a talky spiel. Something about sacrifices and killing us and how awesome his stupid god of stupid was. Sheesh. What was with me catching all the long talkers today? Totally boooooring. I wished something would hurry up and blow up or something-
Then one of the robed guys next to us was struck by lightning. What'sHerFace and a few of the other guys screamed when his guts came out and splashed all over us, but me and Pigfaced Pope Guy were cool.
"Hagrath is impatient," he said simply.
"Hagrath is a douchecanoe," I said. "He asploded your own guy."
"I'm sure brother Ftraghngrll deserved it. Brother Prddrnck? Please escort Ms. Anja to the alter-"
There was a huge BOOM! And I mean HUUUGE. And then a bright flash of light. Everybody screamed that time. Except me. Because I'm cool like that, for reals.
The castle and the alter and all of us were on top of a mountain that was in the middle of a very flat desert. So when the noise stopped and the light cleared, we had a pretty good view of the army of Dinopauds that had just teleported in and were now surrounding the place.
Everybody- cultists, What'sHerFace and me all looked over and saw a group of Dinopauds storming through the castle gates and over to us. There was a few Triceratrons, and a couple Velocirapetors, and even a Tyrantosaurous. They all were packing bandoliers with grenades and cannons on their backs and the Tyrantosaurous had a little arm laser in his claws which looked frankly silly. Leading them was a Daspletosaurus who was like half regular Daspletosaurus, and half cybernetic limbs and techno-mecha shit.
"Oh what now?" said Pigfaced Pope Guy.
"It had come to our attention that you have the fugitive Erik Killblood in your custody!"
I recognized that speaker rig's voice! I waved. "Dude! I totally thought I blew you up yesterday!"
What'sHerFace whispered, "You were unconscious for three days."
"I thought I blew you up three days ago!"
His voice rig was now built right into his throat, now. So I guess that meant he could turn the volume up telepathically. "Oh you TRIED, Erik Killblood! But I was saved by the mercy of the great lord Dino Saurous! You will pay for what you did to our temple! You there, the fellow with the hat. Give me the human Erik Killblood so that I may take him to face JUSTICE!"
The guy's cybernetic eye was going all red and flashy. I chuckled. "Dude, you're eye's all buggy. Get your batteries checked."
"My eye is not 'buggy'! Nor is it lacking power! It, like my other modifications, are fueled by pure, unadulterated rage condensed and transformed into PURE INDEFATIGABLE ENERGY. MY CYBERNETICS ARE POWERED BY MY HATRED FOR YOU!"
I frowned. "Aww. Dude. You mad, bro?"
"GIVE HIM TO MEEEE!"
The cultist leader said, "Actually, a Dinopaud's blood would probably have a little more oomph behind it than a used human virgin-"
"Used?!" said What'sHerFace. She held up her hand and showed off a gold ring. "I'll have you know I never-"
"Oh don't lie, dear. We all know. We did an extensive background check on you after we caught you."
"Bobby Fletcher didn't count!"
"The point is," he went on, "That perhaps a trade can be arranged."
"Sacrifice one of my own?" my Daspletosaurus pal said. The voice rig automatically switched him over to sounding shocked. That's a fine quality rig, to do that kinda thing.
"Never! Give us Killblood or we'll destroy the mountain."
"Do so and you risk bringing down the wrath of Hagrath!"
"If you don't, you bring down the wrath of Dino Saurous!"
"Somebody bring on SOMETHING!" I said. I grabbed the littlest cultist closest to me and hurled him at a Triceratron. The Triceratron shot him on impulse. Then some cultist guys shot the Triceratron. And then Dinopauds shot back, cultists shot them back, and everything went to AWESOME!
Everybody was shooting at everybody and I grabbed What'sHerFace (who would NOT. STOP. SCREAMING.) and dragged her into the castle through a nearby window. It was empty inside because everybody was outside fighting.
"Stay here if you want," I said. "I don't think anybody will shoot you in here." I turned to crawl back out the window.
"Where are you going?" she said.
"You kidding? There's a party going on outside! I'm not missing that for the world." And I ran out and went to have some skull-kicking, bone-breaking, laser-firing, gun-shooting, dino-blasting, pope-shoving, ray beam-dodging, adrenaline-coursing bloody, messy, gory, crazy, burning, blasting, shocking, shaking, chaotic mess of glorious chaotic fun. Fuck yeah.
Somewhere in the fray, some Dinopaud splattered all over the alter. That kicked off whatever hoodoo the tusk guys were doing and all the carvings on the alter were glowing. A soft ray of light came down from the sky and basked the Killsplosive Cannon. I'm pretty sure there was a choir singing over the noise of the chaos.
I ran over to the cannon, tossed aside the cowering techie guy and had me some fun. Tromping over to me (having probably noticed the ray of light and the choir too), was the Tyrantosaurous. He aimed his funny baby ray gun at me. I aimed the Killsplosive canon at him.
We both fired. He got tackled by one of the giant helmeted guard guys and his shot missed me. I missed the Tyrantosaurus by mere inches. The Killsplosive beam whizzed by his head, shooting into the sky where it eventually blew up the planet's third moon. But that's totally cool because nobody was using that moon or anything. It was holding the other moons back. Totally. I fired again and a big chunk of the Dinopaud's army exploded.
Something knocked into me and I fell over and the canon went off again, and this time a big chunk of the castle behind me exploded- and it wasn't even aimed that way so I don't even.
Then lightning rained down from the sky then and somebody with tusks shouted, "Hagrath is angry!" and I went, "Oh fuck this."
I grabbed the tail of a Velocirapetor that was running by and swung him against the machine until both he and the cannon were just one big messy pile of machinery and ick that wouldn't be blowing up anything any time soon.
Pope Pigfaced guy got blowed up by some lightning right before I could get to him, so I guess Hagrath saved me the trouble of committing asswhupping aforethought. I then ran up behind the Tyrantosaurous. He was busy trying to scrape cultist off his foot and so didn't notice me until I'd stolen his jet-pack. I put it on and the restraining bands shrunk down to fit me and since the thing was telepathically linked to whoever was wearing it, I could still punch people and not have to worry about controls.
So for a while things were fun, but then a whole load of Tyrantosaurs came up the mountainside and they all had big ass guns on their backs. A couple fired off and they both whizzed right past me and more chunks of the castle blew up. So here I am thinking, well this is going to be fun! But then that girl What'sHerFace started screaming again.
I swooped over to the front of the castle where she was standing up on one of the balconies that hadn't been destroyed. "Yeah?" I said.
"We have to get out of here. This whole place is going to blow."
Hagrath rained down some more lightning, this time NOT on his followers and instead on the dinos who were storming the castle, most on foot, a few on jet-pack. I swerved to avoid a few lightning bolts that came straight down from the sky. "So?" I said.
"So get us both out of here!"
I rolled my eyes and swooped down into the fray again. I popped back up a second later.
"Here," I said. "I stole you a jet-pack and a ray gun," I said, giving her the ray gun and jet-pack. "No dead weight."
She put them on and then we flew off, just in time to see the Dinopaud army overtake the castle. My cybernetic Daspletosaurus friend climbed onto a rocky outcrop and shook his robot fist in the air. His voice rang out above all the noise of the shouting and blasting and choir and everything else,
"I WILL GET YOU, ERIK KILLBLOOD, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!"
I beamed. "That really is a good speaker rig," I said. "Nice amplifiers."
She flew next to me. "He wants to kill you."
"What, really? What makes you think that?"
She didn't answer. Pfft. Chicks. Going against every screaming part of me that wanted action and fun, I went with her and we went AWAY from the totally cool awesome laser blasting bloody messy dinosaur-pigmen fight.
"Total drag," I muttered. I wished I had my bike. And my BFG9001. And my booze-
"You saved me," she said.
"What are you going to do now?"
"I dunno. I didn't think this far ahead." She kept trying to fly closer to me. I don't know why. We had the entire fucking sky and she kept on trying to glue herself right to my elbow. No fucking respect for personal space. "If you're going to do that the entire flight, I'm just going to go right back to the angry cyborg dinosaur right now."
"No, don't. Come with me. If we get back to my kingdom, you can help me kill my uncle and regain the throne."
"I guarantee there'll be booze, plenty of his minions to slaughter, and a lot of tail when you're done."
And we zoomed off into the sunset. The castle exploded behind us.