I would call my kind of life one that is unnecessarily intimate. Yes, we all have our intimate thoughts about others and this, that and life and so on, but what I really mean by 'unneccessarily intimate' is that I don't really give a damn who you are. If you're in my web, that is, any space concerning me and my business no matter how nonchalant 'my business' may be, I will find you and I will get something from you.
It seems an awfully sordid kind of mentality, maybe even a bit damaging and I often wonder where I got it from, but it works well enough. I am not a giver. I have never been a giver. Givers piss me off. They're so sweet and sultry in their innocence, it makes me sick. Like swallowing a mouthful of molasses, that's how I feel when I see truly happy, giving, fulfilled persons. Sometimes I wonder if it is jealousy, but I know deep down it's something more than that. Something dark and throbbing in my chest or in the space between me and the world, an encasing, a shell, and it throbs and it takes and I can't help it - but giving, happy people piss off my shell, too.
You know what it is? It's that mentality that we're all looking for happiness. No. Sometimes, all we want is to be dingy, naked,
wrong and unforgiving.
I want to be grimy and abrasive, like a serrated blade wrapped in sandpaper. I want to be the bed of nails you think is a nice fold-out futon. I want to be that acidulous drink that burns your throat like a scathing comment from your beloved mother.
So when I see you with your smiling face and your shining shoes I want to roll you in the muck and the grime and steal that from you and toss it away.
I want to strip you naked and pierce your soul with my dirty nails.
I want you to slap me hard and push me down, bite my neck and look at me like I cost nothing and everything.
You're supposed to want to spit on me and cry when you do.
I want to push your buttons until they break.
I'm going to fuck you like life never did.
Those dreams you've made, let's shatter them together and eat their fragments. Let's break hearts and turn heads, let's run from your family and let's all play dead.
I'm going to make you question your beliefs and doubt yourself. I want to turn you into me.
Then I'm going to leave you.
When I come back you better leave me too. or
I'll rip into your life like a tornado and cause you unimaginable pain and sweet, darling suffering.
You'll like it better this way.