Dear Snick,
Tomorrow is your anniversary. The one year anniversary of your passing. As if I would not know such a thing was coming on. I've been overwhelmed with feelings of sadness for days now at the approaching day. Maybe that is why things have been very hard for me to take of late. I am at a low ebb. I wonder if I will ever look at Thanksgiving the same way? Maybe not. I am grateful for having known you for those brief couple of years. There have been many times where I've laughed remembering some silly thing that you've done.
Who the heck burns WATER?
There have been many times where I've heard your voice guiding me, whispering to me. Sometimes, it's like you have never left, and others......I just wish you were still here.
I would dearly love to talk to you and have you tell me to stop being a silly ass. That was one the best things about you, you know. You could take what I said and turn it around so I could see what I felt beneath the words. You had a way of seeing things from different angles.
We argued like crazy over things. I swear you only took the opposite stance just to get a rise out of me, arguing the points so flawlessly, laughing the whole time. You helped me come to terms with myself, to accept myself as I was. You showed me how to shift weight. More than that, you gave me insights into what it was like for you as a child, and sage advice for dealing with others. How did one so young become so wise? You lived a lifetime in those 19 years of yours. A lifetime.
There are some people who pass through your life briefly, yet leave lasting impressions. You are one such person, Snick. I know your biggest fear was that you would be forgotten, that no one would notice if you disappeared forever. I have noticed.
I have noticed.
No use asking why, there is no why. No one did this to you. No one gave you this disease. It's just something bad that happened. Life is like that. It just is. I can yell and rail and write about the unfairness of life, but the truth of the matter is, there is nothing fair about life. It is what it is. Waves rolling along, ups and downs. You take what it gives you and surf along with it. I like your way better though. The steps of life you called them.
"...and the best part about them is that you can come back down a few steps to hold out your hand to someone else coming up and pull them along with you..."
Thanks for grabbing my hand. I am so grateful for the time we had, for the friendship we formed, I am thankful, because there is a piece of you within me still. So you see Snick, you live on. Within me, and the others whose lives you have touched.
I just feel your loss a bit more keenly this week than I have in a long time. I will do my best to focus on the positive, but I think I'm entitled to feel wistful and I will probably feel better shedding a few more tears for the "big brother" that my kids never got the chance to get to know. For the friend that I miss.
and then I'm gonna go try burning some water so I can shake my head and smile...