This
describes one of a
number of
methods to
drink a
can of
beer quickly.
Drinkers will generally shotgun beer as a
social activity with new
acquaintances or
jovial competition among
friends. Due to
health and
safety concerns, shotgunning should never be done with:
Drinkers should
exercise caution and
common courtesy when shotgunning beer. This
activity can be
hazardous to both
participants and
bystanders, and is invariably
messy. The usual
procedure for shotgunning is as follows:
- Find at least one friend or new acquaintance. Shotgunning beer by oneself is not only sad and useless, but also strange.
- Locate at least one can of beer per particpant. Every participant should have the same number of beers if a chain-shotgun event seems imminent. Shotgunning is best done on a non-carpeted surface near a suitable liquid receptacle, such as the linoleum in a kitchen by the sink, or on the sidewalk near a gutter.
- With sealed can of beer in hand and tilted about seventy-five degrees from "upside down," the participant punctures the side of the can, near the bottom rim. The puncture should be around three quarters of an inch wide, or about twenty millimeters. This puncturing can be done with the sharp end of a bottle opener, a flathead screwdriver, or with one's two front teeth. Drinkers, be advised to use your own two front teeth if you choose this last method. In the event of catastrophic pressure loss and massive beer spillage due to an incorrect puncture, participants should point and laugh at the affected drinker, bearing in mind that the same unhappy circumstance could also happen to them if they are not careful.
- The participant should quickly lift the can and place her lips over the puncture in the can to stem the small amount of beer spillage that may occur. When all participants are ready, they should simultaneously reach over their heads and pull the tabs on their cans of beer. Participants, take care that that you only pull the tab on your own beer, and not anyone else's; such an error has been known to effect the catastrophic beer event noted above.
- If done correctly, gravity and the sudden equalization of pressure should push the beer with relatively great force out of the puncture made in step 3. Participants should be prepared for a robust flow of beer, and should be careful to not choke, allow too much beer to spill from the mouth, or allow any beer at all to be pushed from the mouth into the nasal cavity and out the nose. These errors could lead to excessive mess and physical discomfort. Participants should swallow vigorously until the beer is depleted.
- This step is optional. When the can is empty, the participant may crush it in her hand while uttering a barbaric yawp, or crush it against her forehead or another's (depending on circumstance; normal beer etiquette rules apply), or slam against any available hard surface (such as Formica) into a geometrically symmetrical, beer-dampened disk.
- Repeat from step 3 until existing beer is gone, or until the host of the party you're attending kicks you out of the house.