Disagreeable Options (fiction)
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From the Office of the President
Inter-supplementary Code: SASDAS12BARNONE
Secretary of the Patoloġiku Trasfużjoni Thomas P. Driver,
To all lavational region heads, mayors, and governors,
It has come to my attention that some of you are disregarding the orders from the White House in regard to the presidential statues to be placed in the center of every American town. Let me remind you that it is not wise to question his Imperial Presidency, let us not repeat the mistakes of Thorne Bay, Alaska which in its advanced stupidity decided not to accept the December 3rd announcement banning in-door plumbing for the winter months. Some of you have written to me about how the new statues of the president are indecent and not something that should be put in a town square. Let me reiterate for there seems to be some confusion about His Imperial Presidency’s orders. It is not to be in the town square but the center of town. Also, on the note of indecency, all major religions in the United States have approved of the presidential statues’ designs. And then it will be a personal affront to the President if you do not accept his likeness into your town or city.
To further clarify, the specifications, which are to be followed to the letter, as laid out by the President himself, are as follows:
Every village, town, or city in America is to posses a statue of his Imperial Presidency. These statues are to be placed in the exact center of the settlement as determined by GPS positioning systems, if there is already a building there, it is to be demolished. If there be a landform such as a lake, mountain, or river, it too is to be demolished.
The President is to be rendered in either Marble, Gold, or Bronze, and is to be wearing a formal button-up shirt, bowtie, and a dinner jacket with four buttons and an American flag pin. He is to wear Magnum Boots, and socks, but no pants. He is not to be wearing underwear.
His manhood shall be depicted as fully erect and his testicles massive. The penis will only appear circumcised if the Jewish population of the settlement is above 0.1%.
In villages, as defined as having less than 12,000 residents, the statue is to be 8 feet tall and correctly proportioned except for the erection which is to be twelve inches long and as wide as a standard Coca-Cola bottle.
In towns, being defined as having more than 12,000 residents, the statue is to be rendered to a size equal to the town’s population divided by 200. Thus a town of 12,001 residents will have a statue 60 feet tall. The erection will be the height of the statue divided by 3.
In cities, being defined as any settlement having a lavational region head, the statue shall be exactly 100 stories tall and posses an erection exactly half that height. The eyes of civic statues will be required to have an ever burning flame so that they will glow and this is to be maintained by the mayor’s wife or if he is unmarried the wife of his nearest relative. The teeth shall be made out of ivory and shall be polished by the youngest daughter of one random person picked every year by lottery. If she is too young to perform the action then her entire family shall be sent to the American Wasteland television pogrom and a new person shall be selected by lottery.
If a city should lose its status as a city, either by the lavational region head dying or by some other means, the city will revert to a town and must construct a new statue that will stand under the original civic statue. Likewise if a town should suffer a mass depopulation, either by Presidential decree or by an orchestrated disaster, the then village shall build a new statue and place it side-by-side next to the old statue.
All the statues shall be maintained in the best of conditions so that when the lavational region head’s have the ketchup police or the waffle maidens inspect the statue there will not be disagreeable options visited upon the populace.
The population can decided by democratic vote to either: Cull one third of everybody in the town, rebuild the statue from its own buildings, or have the entire populace forcibly relocated to the American Wasteland television pogrom.
For those who do not place the statue in the center of their town or do not place a statue anywhere in there town one of two things can be expected:
1. The microwave brigade will be sent to entertain the puppies of the settlement.
2. The werekookaburras shall inhabit the settlement for a full week.
I hope these simple instructions aid you in the construction of your statues. I look forward to seeing them in their splendor when I make my tri-annual trip around the country. Best Thanksgiving wishes to you all, and don’t forget to buy your oëlspeslogical sparrows for Chrispymas. His Imperial Presidency be praised!
-SPT Thomas P. Driver