I have this on and off friend. I don't really understand him because he is really sweet to me and then he doesn't follow up. I use to see him everyday but now I only see him when I make the effort. He has this
veneer of niceness that is almost real but not quite and it has taken me quite a long time to figure this out. He makes me feel like I have a close relationship with him but
upon further inspection I've come to realize I don't really know him at all. It's
weird because I am able to spend quite a lot of time with people with out ever becoming close to them. Sometimes I just retreat, refuse to be a part. When I am around these people I get this sick almost
jealous feeling like maybe I want to be a part of them but I can't be.
I've found in being away from home this year that everything has become clearer. I can get farther away from a situation and understand what is going on. I'm not incredibly intelligent, or
socially charming, sarcastic, whatever, but I can see what is approved. I can get far enough away, get enough perspective to see when people are being
silly, dumb, unfunny, what-have-you. In some situations people are able to take these comments and people and accept them and make the comment into something good. When this happens it gives the person a support and their
best side comes through. This allows the person to become intelligent funny or,
at the least,
endearing. In other situations the person is
cut down for these comments. They are belittled,
pummeled with sarcasm, and even when the person doesn't understand this animosity, they feel the vibe and only become less bearable. This I believe is the worst way to treat people. In an environment like this I usually become mute. I don't want to be treated in that way if my conversation is constantly judged,
nit-picked for some way in which to bring me down, to prove themselves better. And I also don't want to become someone who is attacking another person,
albeit subtly.
I think that is why there are some people I can't get close to. Earlier this year I had a friend (she moved on) who was able to become both physically, emotionally, and mentally close to people in like a couple of hours. It was incredible. She picked me as a friend and suddenly it was like a
warm glow had come into my life. She was loving and giving and on a
spiritual quest. I was an
atheist, hardcore, but she had magic. At one point in my life my mother said she
believed in energy, I didn't really understand. Now I believe in energy, I believe in the
oneness of us all, and the right of everyone to be treated in a humane and kind way. There are many other things I am beginning to be more open towards. I don't feel such a closed off ness. It's like being in the rainforest when the sun shines through, and the
moss is so green and the mist refracts the sunlight and all the different ways, and I just know that there are
fairies under that log:) No really it’s openness, it’s allowing for the idea of something previously classified as impossible and it is
clothed in beauty. She left and it’s been hard to keep that warm glow in my life but I try, I try to connect with people everyday, and let them know how much they matter to me. It's a directness of a
hug, a real hug in which you love the person, or a touch; it’s a true conversation where one doesn't hold back. It's
bathing someone in your love-light. I'm not able to do it properly or even remember that it is what I want to be doing but... There is always tomorrow.