Gone in Sixty Seconds 2007 - Theatre Quest Entries (idea)

Your call may be recorded for training purposes

Scene: The stage is split between a young female telephonist and an old bearded man. The woman is dressed in a suit, whereas the man wears black with a white ruff, (Think "Blackadder II"; tights and codpiece optional).
Direction: The man is talking animatedly into a mobile phone whilst waving an AOL bill theatrically in one fist. The woman sits motionless unaffected throughout, back permanently turned to the old man, maybe she drinks some coffee.
Motivation: The man is torn between righteous fury and the will to remain intellectually superior (as though talking to a child who has just used sandpaper to wash his car). The woman cannot be bothered to help and is relaxed to the point of distraction. She holds all the power.
Style: Shakespearean.

...
O.M. And so now, when I most need to access
information of direst urgency and import,
thou art broken; and cause my mind distress,
waiting on hold for technical support!
Tele. Upon thine internet provider’s bill -
it saith, I cite: "For connectivity
issues see our homepage -"
O.M.                                          Thou gleeky shill!
Thou knowest, maddam; that thou mockest me,
as thine own webpage, is beyond contact!
Accursed fool! Thy logic is corrupt!
If I had your head and a gun, I should act!
Beg for thy life’s end to be so abrupt!
Confound your technology, it shall sit,
in the Halls of Abaddon; copper wire,
circuit boards, aye and plastic casing, split!
Oh would Beelzebub’s powerful ire
tear thee from thine idiotic keyboard -
and cast thee also onto that same sword!

Apologies to The Bard

Artistic Integrity

Dramatis Personae: 
                      PROFESSOR: dressed in an academic gown. 
                      ACTOR: prepared to play the part of a philosophy student.

Scene: Classroom or lecture theatre.  Perhaps a chalkboard could be used.

Style: Gentle satire and cynical meta-fiction.


 …
            PROFESSOR
           (aloof)
And so I put it to you that it is morally
wrong for a non-smoker to receive treatment 
for cancer through the NHS.
           ACTOR
        (urgently consulting a script)
Err - What now?

            PROFESSOR
Allow me to explain, if taxes collected from 
buying cigarettes fund the NHS; then British 
tobacco users are already paying for more 
than their fair share of cancer treatment. 
Therefore those people who contract cancer 
without smoking are benefiting from the care 
that has been paid for by hard-working 
smokers.  Ergo cancer patients who don’t 
smoke are thieving scumbags.

            ACTOR
   (trying to stop the play)
Hold on wait, Frank, Frank this is completely 
different to rehearsal…

            PROFESSOR
Keep going. It’s too late – improvise
something. 

             ACTOR
But what you just said was seriously fucked 
up... that play about [insert a brief plot 
outline of your most crazy performance so-far 
here (i.e.: marrying an alien chicken from a 
time-reversed dimension.)] made more 
sense!

            PROFESSOR
Ah, sounds like you need to calm down, here, 
have a cigarette.  Did I mention that Hitler was
a non-smoker?

            ACTOR
      (shouting)
Oh my God! You're not Frank; you're that guy
from Marlboro!

           PROFESSOR
   (Laughs manically; tears off mask/beard/
     costume; puts on cowboy hat)
Bwa Ha Ha Ha!  It's too late fool the entire 
audience has seen this little "play" of mine! 
They'll be on 50 a day by the end of the week 
and there's nothing you and your liberal 
friends can do about it! Ha Ha Ha

PROFESSOR exits stage persued by ACTOR



Apollyon; Huddersfield.

A big thanks to Albert Herring who very kindly helped me with some of the Shakespearean grammar;
 tifrap for making some suggestions; and Chainstore for helping me with the layout.