The last of my friends who hasn't quit
dropped round today.
'Ach, have ye sin what tha do'n?'
'Wha'ave the we tards dun noo?' I opened my last two-pack with Barry and passed him the other ciggie.
'Th've bloodi well gon donat.'I could tell he was pissed off
'Tha suspense is killin' mi.' I'm a sarcastic bugger when I've just paid forty euros for a cigarette.
'Ban’d drinkin.' I checked the calendar to see if it was April first.
'Rid this!' Barry slapped the local paper onto the seat next to me.
Since everything’s gone on-line only people with computers get to read the nationals. I still get my books delivered from the libraries though.
"Gordon Brown announced yesterday that as part of his historic attempt to be re-elected for the fifth term he will bow to the Infocratic Lib-Lab centre and enforce a drinking ban."
'Fock that' I said
'Fockin' gon too far! Fockin gone too far; he canna tak mi booze.'
I thought of calming him down; but his speeches are always good. I hit record on my I-pod, (the one I got for Xmas 2015 when the economy was still good, they knew how to build stuff back then)
'Tha poxy we bastard suposd to com from scootlan! He dun notin' for us, whers tha 'economic miracle' wewus promist? I cannat even get a tyre for mi bike! Fock gein' petrol fo it. An now them fockin' "info-crats" who pay tha fockin’ "comp-tax" a tellin' us wha ta do t' relax? Fock tha! Fock them! Whats a Fockin’ "comp-tax" anawa? We us'ta have a beutaful language. Am gonna brin it down this time. He canna take mi drink awa.
I, but wa can y do? I said.
To decide where the story goes, role a D6
1 = Make something up and write it yourself. (unlucky!)
2 = Barry and I go down the pub and drown our sorrows. We talk about the good old days. (Boring)
3 = Barry and I break into a Info-crat’s house, hack the ID card computer and bring the whole motherf*cking system down. Bikity bam. (OK; but not a stretch of the imagination)
4 = I am an agent provocateur ordered to lead Barry into an MI5 trap. (sneaky bastards)
5 = Barry uses his knowledge of mediaeval war tactics to assassinate the PM (Oh yes! Oh yes, bring it on…)
6 = Combination of 3, 4 and 5 (commencing orgasm; engines on.)
Send number to Advocatus Angelicus to register your vote!
*Hey! you said I could commit crimes against literature!