It used to be that
if nothing else was true at least this was......
Family
I look now at the
circumstances, the
situations the
scope of it all is
stagering, but I do not sway. I steady myself, prepare for the endless journey that lay ahead.
I am weak now,
poisoned by the
truth of it all. It seems odd that it was what I desired most. It kept me going, struggling to find it
among the wreckage.
It was there all along, floating around disguising itself as
thoughts,
actions,
people. It was always there, it never left, you just hid from it. People choose not to see it, truth is there for all to
behold and contains more power than can be acknowledged by some.
"You wear a
mask, it hides who you are". I told myself that in a
dream once
long ago. I did not see it then, I couldn't for it was part of me and still is. I shrugged it off as just a dream.
Now I am older and have
experienced many things which the mask had
shielded me from thinking about. To me my
father is the strength of my family, nothing stopped him, nothing stops him. I always wanted to be like him, I want to be like him,
I am like him.
I guess I took my family for granted.
hamster bong would always be there...as far back as I can remember she was there, little
baby jannie, scrounging for icecream money in
kitchener, trips out west, when
kate was born, when
josh was
born,
christmas,
easter.
A lifetime of memories, they seem so empty now. I remember it all and now, soon, it will be
gone. Even now as I think back on the time i've spent on this
earth I deal with it in the same old way.
First
anger, angry at what, at who, the pain persists. I feed off it, as it tears me apart inside I move on, the
strength i've developed from my father cannot be undone by pain. I think of everything at once all the good all the bad and the anger drives me, I push aside the pain with the strength of a
lifetime and move on. I cannot fight it off forever and eventually it wins, crushing me alive.
Reasoning, more like
ignorance. The least effective means I have to deal with the pain but yet every time it comes about and taunts me with its
logic and
insane bantering.
Finally
I just stop, stop
thinking, stop
feeling, stop
living, just for awhile. Here
a piece of me dies, here I feel so alone that nothing else matters. Pain cannot exist in this
void so I am free. Free but
alone, locked in a place where nothing exists but me. Not even a stray thought penetrates this hell. I have become
dependant on it now, it's all I have to close the gaping wounds that I created for myself and
time has left up to me to mend.
I have
so much to say, I would sit there
crying, not knowing what to say, what to type. I listened to the music, it made things go away without going to that place. I wanted more than anything to
be close to someone anyone, maybe it will make that place go away
forever. I hurt so many trying to fill the
emptiness of the
void that I hide in. I just want it to stop.
The pain has done its
damage and now as I type I will soon be there,
alone.
Good bye
Never trust a minty brained man, indeed....for ice can burn hotter than the hottest fires of hell when it comes from the mind of man.