Unexplainable anxiety
Here I sit in front of my computer
Body tense
Sleep or run?
I'm really tired
I could climb a mountain if I felt like doing it
Just one more node
Just one more cigarette
When I'm done with this node I'll do my Topics Exam
Why does it feel like something really wrong is happening right now?
Did I forget something?
Something just isn't right
And why won't my hands stop shaking? Too much caffeine?
I am so worried about something, but I don't know what it is
Maybe if I don't think about it it will go away
I feel sick to my stomach
I should have done my laundry last night
What is this?
Unexplainable anxiety.
Make it go away
it's late.

we've all driven very far and are settling down into make-shift beds. mark and i on a mattress on the floor. denise on the couch. phil in the adjoining kitchen in his sleeping bag.

lights out. it's quiet.

then there's some sounds. it's phil. digging around in his bag. then a hard object being jostled around in some sort of container. the click of a lighter and a brief flash of light. surely he's not smoking a cigarette now.

*stre-etch* *snap* a piece of rubber?

*flick* *flick* a fingernail against something. against a syringe?

then it's quiet. but my mind is reeling. i feel unexplainable anxiety wash over me. is he shooting up? that makes me quite nervous. why? i can't say for sure.

maybe he's a diabetic. maybe not.

what you don't know can't hurt you, but it makes me uneasy. always has. i suspect it always will. having never injected drugs in my life i guess it's just a fear of the unknown.

i felt the same whenever someone talked about smoking weed or even if there was a bowl on someone's coffee table, before i ever tried it.

do i want to rid my self of this anxiety? absolutely, as long as it doesn't involve injecting drugs into my veins.

the silence is broken by another series of sounds. the uncertainty continues...

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