I heard about an old friend and the course her life took after she parted from me. There were rumors of an abortion, a thing which would put one on an irreversible track towards hell in our little Christian school community, and talk of drug abuse. She didn't say anything about the abortion...true or not, I don't blame her for keeping quiet. It's not our business and it would just be gossiped about like the way she used to spread lies like wildfires. But the relocation to another state, months in rehab, and mental anguish she suffered was shared.

you remind me of that leak in my soul

No one had the guts to tell you that you were out of control...but when I think about it now I realize it had nothing to do with courage or lack thereof...it was all about popularity and the power you wielded to rip apart our self-image and force us to become meek little rabbits. I didn't let it enter my mind much, the fact that I was one of the few who could've stood up to you and escaped relatively unscathed. Playing along in your reckless games, I kept the regret hidden, but when I learned of what had happened I could feel the guilt, like acid, burning a hole right through my good, yet unrealized intentions.

you were easy you are forgotten you are the ways of my mistakes

Somehow I could never actually give you that fourth dimension which all humans need to verify their existence within my deranged little mind. You always seemed slightly out of the realm of reality, a television character directly in front of me. I can see my fault now. You were so real, perhaps even moreso than myself...you acknowledged all around you as something to be felt, you desired to live. I chose to kill what I couldn't understand.

may you rise as you fall

I wish the best for you. Never have I wanted to hug an individual so much as when I saw you the last time. As if a hug could resurrect past ignorances and erase the harm I did... But you are strong and you have proven yourself to be determined. God bless.

you are a ghost of my indecision

You took away part of my innocence and left me with a burning guilt. Omission is a horrible sin...I sit up at night thinking of all the ways I could've helped...possibilities are limitless when the situation can never occur. You haunt me when I begin to make the same mistake again and I feel your approving smile when I correct myself.

no more little girl

We grew up too fast, thanks to each other's influence. I just hope you know that if I knew all my hesitations would manifest themselves in this way I would never have continued in my silent betrayal.

I'm sorry.


title and italicized portions taken from Blank Page by The Smashing Pumpkins

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