Also known as the camel back cricket. This beast prefers to live in complete darkness, dampness, underneath things that one frequently picks up, and my garage. Once a suitable habitat is rendered, they rapidly colonize and infest. Given sufficient time, they will construct a crude barrack out of trash and dead leaves and train a small army of elite-force ninja crickets that lie waiting for a human to pass by, upon whom they will jump and be scary.

The colloquial term 'spider cricket' derives chiefly from people's confusion upon initially observing the insect. A telltale designator of a spider cricket sighting is often, "Jeez, there was this jumping spidery cricket thing that just attacked me in your garage, man! I think I need a band-aid..."

Closer observation reveals that this beast is indeed a cricket, and one with long tentacle-like feeler-arm-things that are really scary. However, it follows that as they are not spiders, they cannot bite. Nevertheless, heed any gut instincts when confronting them, and do not hesitate to get out of the room and call for help. I once saw one smoking a cigarette on my porch, and the look that it shot at me will haunt me for years to come.

Spider crickets originally were found in caves where they had adapted to complete darkness. In fact, they don't like light very much at all. I started leaving the light on my garage for this reason, just to piss them off, and it seems to have had some positive effect. Now, if Wesley Willis could just write a song about them...

Spider crickets kicked my ass
Spider crickets kicked my ass
Spider crickets kicked my ass
Spider crickets kicked my ass


Rock over London
Rock over my garage
Diet Pepsi, uh huh

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