skort

Evil. Pure, unadulterated evil scraped crudely from the sordid bottom of the river Styx. The skort is the incarnation of fascism, a violent breach of the fashion contract. It is the first sign of the impending Apocalypse. If we do not stamp out the skort once and for all, it is only a matter of time before the Four Horsemen will be riding down your suburban block, raping your spouses and children, sodomizing your household pets and leaving large, unsightly mounds of steaming equine feces on your finely-manicured front lawns.

I exaggerate, you say?
How can something made of cloth and born of human hand, something that appears at first to be an innocuous piece of feminine attire, in fact be the dastardly garment of destruction I claim it is? Certainly, the skort was initially fashioned with the best of intentions, designed to allow women to give off the illusion of being sexy and daring without the risk. When you see a skorted woman from the front, she does indeed appear to be daring and sexy. However, when viewed from behind, she is firmly entrenched in a pair of shorts the cruel betrayal! It's like being perched on Santa's warm lap at the mall when he tells you he's actually an out-of-work plumber named Sergio who's just doing this for some extra holiday cash and aren't you just a little bit old to be sitting on Santa's lap? He may speak the truth, but by God, that's not what you came to hear!

The values bred by the skort are those of mediocrity, sloth, cowardice, conformity and fashion sense beyond any reasonable code of conduct or convention. Indeed, the skort preaches a sermon of nihilism so pervasive, so rampant, that if we do not act quickly and decisively, if we do not ban the wearing, making and importing of skorts and annihilate all current skorts in existence, the imminent fall of the United States from its lone superpower summit is certainly at hand.

What can you do, gentle reader, to stop the skort madness and protect your country's superpower status? First, destroy any and all skorts that you or your loved ones own. Rip them, shred them, tear them to pieces and rejoice on their scattered ashes. Next, it is imperative that you cease contact with anyone in possession of a skort and even those particularly who are skort sympathizers. To you, anyone who owns or enjoys a skort is dead.

Then, inform your local elected officials in writing, by copious phone calls and even in-person at their house or place of worship if necessary, that you will scrupulously vote out of office any public servant who doesn't vote for a law that not only bans skorts, but also makes the selling of skorts a federal crime and trafficking in skorts a capital offense. Once you have successfully completed these important tasks, you are ready to organize a Neighborhood Skort Watch Program a group of concerned citizens who will take turns patrolling your local borough at night with large, wooden torches and rusty pitchforks, brutally hacking to death anyone who is caught wearing or in possession of a skort. Not only will this keep our streets safe from the perils of skort activity, but it will breed community pride and strengthen neighborly bonds, perhaps even leading to new friendships.

I beseech you, gentle readers, to heed this call to action. We must collectively rise up and put down the skort pestilence! For the love of all that is good and pure, for the love of family and friends, we must soundly defeat and banish the skort from our existence once and for all.