This I am relieved to hear. Not-so-many-years-ago (four? five?) during a particular bout of furious inarticulacy my father, distraught at my less-than-As-across-the-board grades, accused me (like, ohmigod, in the presence of my friends) of spending all my time "jerking off and fucking the dog!"

My girlfriend of the time was present and upon his steaming departure we ruminated at some great length upon what he had meant by this particular obscene utterance.

We don't have a dog, so was he referring to her as "the dog"?

It was no great secret I was fucking her, so why would I be jerking off as well?

In short, we were boggled - almost enough to seek him out and ask for clarification. Fortunately, we didn't quite place that much value in the comprehension of his rant, as it is virtually assured that inquiring regarding elaboration would have been interpreted as sass, pure and simple and would have only made things worse.

In the long run, however, perhaps his observation has affected me in some deep-seated manner - older and wiser, I no longer jerk off or fuck the dog (nor the girlfriend, as the case may be) which makes me wonder what would be the most appropriate euphemism for the particular fashion in which I presently squander my youth?

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