A fake bad Swedish heavy metal band my friends and I once formed in order to record a cover of a song by a genuine bad Swedish heavy metal band.

See, I used to live near a nightclub in North Hollywood that specialized in hard rock acts. Almost every morning when I went out to my car I'd find a flyer stuck under my windshield wiper advertising some big-hair metal band that would be playing that night.

One morning I found a postcard with a photo of four large, muscular, blonde Nordic types striking varous macho poses on the front. The caption read "From the icefields of northern Sweden comes...MOGG".

On the back was the scheduled date of Mogg's appearance at the club along with the lyrics to two of their songs. Now, I can't speak for the quality of Mogg's thunderous metal assault since I never went to see them. But the lyrics strongly suggested that Mogg was less than fluent in English -- in a word, they were unintentionally hilarious.

I brought the postcard with me to the bookstore where I worked and during lunch serenaded my co-workers with a rendition of Mogg's "Evil Genie", delivered in a thick bogus Scandinavian accent. Then one of them got a crazy idea -- why not form our own Swedish heavy metal band, and record our own version of "Evil Genie"? None of us could sing or play, but he knew a real-live musician who had his own recording studio in his home and could fill in the gaps caused by our lack of talent. We thought it was the best idea we'd ever heard. We knew we had to find a name that matched the power and majesty of "Mogg". After some discussion, we dubbed ourselves Schlong.

The result sounded like a sackful of cats being beaten with a stick. It was beautiful.

Thursday night out with the boys up at Devil's Peak
Party's raving I'm riding the beat, who's that standing over by my seat?
She's always there to spoil a good time,
Finding ways to bring me down.

Evil Genie, are you happy now?
Evil Genie loves you anyhow
Evil, Evil Genie...
(scream)

Got a Miss Universe lying on the floor
Who's that knocking at my front door?
Got a sweet little bunny just starting to moan
Who's that ringing my telephone?
She's always there to!

Evil Genie, are you happy now?
Evil Genie loves you anyhow
Evil, Evil Genie...
(chorus)

Can't even have a good time,
It's always such a shame.
Everywhere I go now,
Genie knows the game.
She's always there...

Evil Genie, are you happy now?
Evil Genie loves you anyhow
Evil, Evil Genie...
(scream, repeat until fadeout)

Later another of our co-workers was getting married and he asked Schlong to record a song for his wedding. Putting our heads together, we asked ourselves: "What would Mogg do"? The answer was obviously, "Something incredibly stupid and inappropriate, thinking all the while that it was a really great wedding song that everyone would love." The result was "Wife, Mother, Whore". It began with mellow guitar noodling, faux Scandinavian crooning courtesy of yours truly, and Schlong singing a cheesy 70s falsetto "Ba ba ba baaahh" in the background. When we got to the part about the bride-to-be replacing the groom's mother, we kicked it in full-on Judas Priest mode. Well, if Judas Priest sucked as badly as we did.

With this ring, I thee wed
No more trying to get ahead
Together forever, bonded for life
You once were a woman, but now you're a wife
When I first saw you, I knew there's no other
I was looking for someone to REPLACE MY MOTHER!
Doing the dishes...the laundry...und more,
'Cause now you're my wife! My MOTHER! MY WHORE!

Whoring and shopping, shopping and whoring,
Life with me will never be boring
When we're together there won't be no stopping
Shopping and whoring, WHORING AND SHOPPING!

This whirlwind called Love
Is making me thinner
So get into the kitchen
AND COOK ME SOME DINNER!

Whoring and shopping, shopping and whoring,
Life with me will never be boring
When we're together there won't be no stopping
Shopping and whoring, WHORING AND SHOPPING!

The engagement was short
The honeymoon long
You bring the champagne
I'll bring the Schlong!

It was not quite as beautiful as "Evil Genie" (our musician decided to get creative with his production techniques, resulting in nearly incomprehensible vocals) but it was still pretty cool. The bride and groom played it for a select group of friends at the reception and by their account it went over mightily well. After that Schlong sort of faded away. I really wanted to get together one more time and record a version of "The Rainbow Connection" from The Muppet Movie, but it just never happened.

We'll always have the music, though.

From the german "schlange", meaning "snake", in regard to the, erm, male anatomy.

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