The residual emotional wounds that are left upon a heart. It is the reason why people are cautious and callous when it comes to believing that intimacy and trust are possible in a relationship. This is the result of DEEP HURTING.

When I was fourteen I went sledding with the kids from church. And what I remember that night is buying spoons and styrofoam cups to serve hot chocolate after the party, and crossing the parking lot at the grocery store, which, like the rest of the city, was encrusted with ice.

What I remember is seeing my friend Waylon, in patchwork pants, underneath the pinky glow of the streetlamp, a few feet away from his truck and his friends, all of whom were older than me. He said hello and it hung in the air a few minutes: winter fog and a long look - almost as if he really saw me.

Everyone seems to hate Gwyneth Paltrow, but you know this reminds me of a movie. I saw myself wandering away from the good kids, over to his side, where I would be closer to home. I envisioned a whole other version of the story of that night, and I still do.

I borrowed a saucer sled in pink.

This was a typical Weiser winter; it had snowed a few inches a few weeks before, it rained, and froze again; the snow was so hard you could really pick up speed on the mountain at the park.

I thought for a minute, good, whee, and then, Jesus, I'm too fast, I'm out of control.

Bump made me jump.

I found myself on the ground, face down, my right cheek ripped to hamburger, the saucer upside down and many feet away.

I got patched up at Jodi's house (they were good Mormons); her brother ran down the hill for my glasses. And treated me to my first slow dance.

There is still scar tissue on my right cheek; it's not visible, but when I put my face in my hands, I can feel it, still swollen, distorted.

I think about this when I think about his heart. And my heart. How things build up in memory, defense, and spite of the person who dug out your ticker with a spoon x number years ago. I know it doesn't go away. I'm just hoping it will mean less, someday.

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