(note: i like to node my angst - it makes me feel better. so please don't flame me. it's everything as therapy)
As I grow older, I naturally have come to question things more and more... but one of the things I never really got around to questioning was my faith. It was there, and that was that. At least, I hadn't gotten around to questioning it until a few summers ago, when a very dear friend of mine died. And I was angry, as you can certainly understand - I was angry at the world, angry at everything...
But I had faith to fall back upon. And it's a powerful tool, you must understand - makes it much, much easier to deal with life when you can chalk it all up to someone's big ol' plan. And I questioned a bit, but it was still there, and I took comfort in believing that she was in heaven, and that I'd see her when I would see her.
Fast forward to a few months ago - another friend of mine, whom I had known as long as i have known anybody, gets in a terrible car accident the week before she was to head back to school for her sophomore year. There's a rather dangerous intersection in my hometown, where you can't really see the oncoming traffic. And she pulled out to turn left, and she was hit in the side by a tractor-trailer. She hit her head on the driver's side window, hard.
She was unconscious for weeks... heavily sedated, to keep her brain from swelling. The doctors said she probably wouldn't live - and if she did, she'd probably never be self-sufficient again. Well, she did live... but she's not the same. She'll probably never go back to school - she can't concentrate anymore, her short-term memory is unreliable as can be. And we have spent the last month praying for her, praying for a savior... and now, at last, I can't possibly fathom what good can have come from this, why God would let such a thing happen. And while I am certainly thankful that she's still alive, it pains me to no end to see her life most likely altered forever for the worse, all on a whim of fate.
But all I can do now is to hope, and to pray, and to believe that somehow all the hoping and praying and wishing won't have been for nothing.