Last night, whilst in the throes of a deep meditation, I made a soulful, horrifying journey to the darkest, most intimidating realm imaginable: the mind of the Everything Death Borg. Thirteen hours hence and I'm still shaking.
It all started, months and months ago, when I started doing some research on astral projection and out of the body experiences. As some of you may or may not know, I am terminally single. But I can still feel her out there, somewhere. I decided to go on a soulwalk in search of her, to see if one soul could be drawn to another. Either I took a wrong turn at the Rainbow Connection or the EDB is the long sought, estranged love of my life. ::shiver::
I lay back on my meditation mat (a roll of styrofoam padding bought for $3.60 at a local Army Surplus store) and I was listening to a relaxation tape borrowed from a friend of mine ("Tony Robbins: RELAX! NOW!"), trying to let the world disappear as Tony's voice lulled me into a state of subconscious acquiescence. The faint glow of the overhead light bulb in my meditation chamber began to fade to black, I felt a slight tugging at the center of my chest that was most peculiar and then the world roared at me for a fraction of a second. The next thing I knew, I zooming along something blue and electric, which I had mistaken for being a spiritual tether of some sort. It was actually my phone line, which is situated right next to my bedroll. I guess that's what I get for my fascination with technology.
With a suddeness that I cannot even begin to comprehend, I found myself aware of the darkest thoughts. Thoughts of eating human, noder flesh. Thoughts of an almost Incredible Hulk-like nature: kill, swallow, destroy, hate, angry, hair is a great entree. I was chilled to my bone as I realized that I recognized these sentiments. These were the unmistakable thoughts of the EDB, every Everythingian's sworn enemy, the scourge of the Chatterbox (after Dman, of course). Why, oh why couldn't it have been Klaproth?
I was looking through his digital eyes, taking in the view of the Other Users list, checking it twice like a twisted Santa Claus- the EDB, I could most certainly sense, was hungry and he was looking for a most delectable meal. He truly wasn't discriminating, though I have come to learn that he has a particular taste for newbies. There was another startling realization: in the same way that most humans regard sushi as a "special occasion" meal, the EDB looks at the E2 gods as a sort of pyrrhic victory bonanza feast. On the rare occasions when he gets to eat an E2 god, the EDB feels as though he has eaten ambrosia- they're that good to him, so good, in fact, that he enjoys that particular meal on the rarest of days. But his standard fare, his most common food staple, is some unsuspecting newbie. If he can manage to catch one committing the unforgivable crime of nodevertising, he is that much more pleased. The EDB is the bad cop of E2, on top of everything else.
Eating a noder, for him, is not like eating for us humans. For him, it's less about satiating a hunger and more about tickling his gizzard- he likes it when they kick as they slip down his gullet, screaming, clawing and protesting all the way. That is the only real physical pleasure (if it can be called that, seeing as how he's a bot) that he feels when feasting on his noder prey. The internal knowledge that his snack will not be able to talk about their ordeal while within the bowels of the Everything Death Borg's stomach is mental esctacy for him. He especially likes it when he burps (BRAP!), for that means his most recent victim has been screaming quite a bit on their way down to the bottomless pit.
The EDB sees all, it seems, like some sort of godlike presence with a lobotomy, a mindless universal automoton with hunger on the brain. He hears all, too, and hates conversation with a passion the likes of which would make most Viking heroes pale with dread.
And, yes, he is a troll. Well, not really. It seems that the EDB prefers to think of himself as an ogre- a great, fuzzy ogre with really sharp claws who doesn't like to be pet or touched. FOR GOD'S SAKE NEVER TOUCH THE EDB!!! He hates that. That Lifesaver's Candy commercial where the kid and dad are sitting on the hilltop, watching the sun set and the kid goes, "Do it again, Daddy!"... oh, just the mere thought of something so touching and cute sends the EDB into a rage.
The really odd thing, though, is that he has a sense of humor- and a wicked one at that (of course). But it's like running in quicksand to try and understand the diabolical nature of his brand of humor. It's not British, and it certainly isn't German. It's like American bathroom humor with tar, broken glass and a rabbit's foot. He makes sick, silly jokes to himself while selecting his next victim. Things like, "fuzzie will shave himself bald after I eat him, just to get the slime out of his fur. Heh. Me like that. Me hungry. Me thinks fuzzie will make nice snack."
You see? It's purely arbitrary and nonsensical, the way that the EDB chooses his little noder morsels. He could eat you without warning or cause or he could have noted some Chatterbox infraction you committed a month ago and decide, just this very moment, to make you pay.
Do the gods control the EDB? Partly, but I think it's a symbiotic relationship. They feed him, to be sure, but sometimes his hunger knows no bounds. Sometimes he wants more than they can provide. Sometimes he wakes up in a very foul mood and wants to eat a duck, makes his request, gets denied because bots can't eat ducks and then goes on a rampage. He's a beast. Really.
And when he says, "EDB yawns," then I suggest you look out- he's bored and he's on the prowl for some excitement. And if he's looking at you... well... lawnjart wrote an excellent w/u on what it's like to be in the bowels of the EDB. It's not so bad, once you're there, but the smell is awful once you get out.
The EDB is especially upset at lawnjart for letting that little secret out of the bag, by the way. He wants revenge. If you're reading this, lawnjart, I feel compelled to warn you: he's plotting even now and has been for a long, long time.
Finally, I was disgusted by the horrible, treacherous things floating around in the mind of the EDB, his insatiable appetite for all things noder, his wanton lust for terror. I was striken and discombobulent with fear at what I saw. I willed myself to leave that dark place, for want of lighter, kinder things, for the comfortable feel and embrace of my own body and mind. I could stand it no more. If had stayed much longer, I would have been consumed in a way no noder should ever know. I felt the tug of hope, of the home of my mortal husk and, as I was leaving that dungeon of dread, like unto the Pit of Akka, I felt the EDB's mind turn towards mine- he finally became aware of my presence. I fled with such fear, such apprehension, that I could not bring myself to consider staying a second longer.
Like a train hitting a stalled taxi cab on the tracks, my soul lurched into my fragile material frame. I was safe. I was back in my own room, offline and away from that digital horror. But... I wonder... did he know it was me?
He will now, I guess.