I am here in New Orleans. An interesting past 48 hours. I know now why I forgave, laughed when I should have cried. I easily saw myself where he was. I don't know anyone else who looks off a balcony, and immediately wonders is it high enough to insure death if one jumps the way I do. Not only did he look, he knew I was too and confronted me with it. "Not high enough kitten."

I did what I did for power. Power over him. Make him sweat for one moment. Make him stress. Make him agonize just a tiny fraction of what I had gone through. Sick.

Ok.. well that wasn't the only reason.. he is my one great romance, that torrid love affair.. he is the right blend of supernova, dreamer, cute, goofy, awkward, , pompous jerk, suave, cultured, refined, genius, psychopath, and yet still just a child.. even though he is eight years older than I. He finds me attractive.. which is always a plus.. and he told me that once he got to know me.. I became the most attractive person.. but it's that silly fucking romantic naive girl he is attracted to. fuck

I told him as I walked out the hotel suite, I felt as if we'd never see each other again.. that for once.. it was truly over. He said I was being dumb, and of course we would again.. someday.

I don't know.. couldn't this be more of us using fantasy as an escape.. As I walked out, I didn't looked back.. I kept walking small, quick steps. Is it easier to just say "someday" instead of never. Is it strength or weakness that will have us wind up together? married??

He needs a challenge.. damn.. I mean.. I get bored so easily.. I need something to work towards.. someplace to focus ambition.. and no one can hide what they are forever..

I could see us together in a few years. He said he saw a change in me, that I was truly growing up.. god.. he meant it as a compliment I guess.. that I didn't loose my girlhood dreams and hope, even though I have taken some hard beatings by life.. hrmm..

He was so drunk when I talked to him, and started this wretched web of events. Why was he apoligizing for what happened in New York.. wasn't that my fault?

Do I love him?? Yes.. does he love me.. yes.. is it enough.. god i hope in the end it is..

maybe this airplane will crash


Juliet's Journal, back|forward

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