Recovery was difficult. I quit him as often as he quit cigarettes--
Equally damned endeavors.
The steps of my program are grueling, commitment necessity--
I am under the impression that I cannot fail.
This time is for good. Eyes closed, he disappears.
Imagine will over desire. Depersonalization,
Physical dissociation. If the mind could be altered like genes,
Perfection could be attained--
We are more perfect in our imperfection.
Flaws highlight the beauty in his features--
I cannot bear to look at him with such sacred blemishes.

I pilgrimage to regain sanity among friends--
Acquaintances who believed my childhood ghost stories.
So we hunt-- united against the specter of disbelief.
Both parties seek autonomy, but the shit we get on the bottom of our shoes
Requires somewhere to lean in the aftermath.
Road home begins, no worse for wear-- wears only on the soles of my boots.
Dissociation sets in. I watch the world through mirrored windshield
Trees devouring their reflections, the cannibalism is unbearable.
Avert eyes inward-- attempt introspection.
Depersonalization is perfect. Your god may look at you shifty eyed,
But mine believes in imperfection.

Everything was fine until Psychosis dared show his face again--
Unassuming strut waltzing body into the room.
Eyes extremely proud, forcing his face to meet mine
But I don't want this, I protest
It's a violation of the mind. Desire only shames my dignity.
Banished to mind's back alley, I hope he'll stay a while--
For tea, perhaps. Honey heals the coarseness of response.
Light up another cigarette, tomorrow is here.
Mother always told me I was easily manipulated--
Manipulated me into believing in my flaws.
That was how I knew she loved me.

Ma*nip`u*la"tion (?), n. [Cf. F. manipulation.]

1.

The act or process of manipulating, or the state of being manipulated; the act of handling work by hand; use of the hands, in an artistic or skillful manner, in science or art.

Manipulation is to the chemist like the external senses to the mind.

Whewell.

2.

The use of the hands in mesmeric operations.

3.

Artful management; as, the manipulation of political bodies; sometimes, a management or treatment for purposes of deception or fraud.

 

© Webster 1913.

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