I open my eyes to find only darkness
; this is the curse
of consciousness. In my sleep I am alive
. I dream I am an animal
. Sometimes I am a deer
, standing tall in the green forest
. I listen to the wind howl through the trees. Oh, how that makes my ears stand up on end!
Sometimes I am a seal
, sliding over the cool
and into the wet
. All around is slippery
. I huddle with my family
and drift sound-seal-asleep, and then I wake up and I am back here in the dark
But my favorite is when I am a bird. I am like a finch, tiny but with a voice that breaks the sky into tears. I fly so high, far, far above this black place. Things are easier now. I am less and I know I am less but it is easier to be less. When you are less it is as if you are not alive. Things happen to you but you just watch them and it is like a picture. Even my understanding of this is slipping away and then it will be easier.
I am always prey.
Sitting in the hard darkness is a good time to try and remember. I try to remember the dreams and forget what it was like before I was here. There is nothing good about remembering that far away. It only makes them hurt you more because if you remember something old, they might think you can still remember codes. And if they think you can still remember codes they will take everything away until all you have left is the dreams. And then they will look for the codes in the dreams and you will be nothing at all.
The darkness is hard. It is a metal place. I used to call it the Black Train but now I can't call it right in my mind anymore. It feels like a train but sometimes I ask myself if I am even moving. Then I stop because those thoughts can only create more things to remember. Then the dark stops.
This is a small amount of pleasure every time I wake up. Every time I wake up there are two other people who grab me in the dark and pull me out. They are not too rough and I would go with them if my legs felt right. But it seems like those legs just want to stay right here. I like to feel the people pulling me out; they are a little warm. Then the hard metal comes down and I am warm like the huddle-seal again. It is a deep warm and they pull me into the light.
The light is really just a light darkness, because my face is covered in things and they did something to my eyes too. But to me it seems like the brightest light in the world until I see the shocklight. In the light place there are three room-like places. One way is up. There I get the yellow shock. One way is straight. There I get the red shock. One way is way, way down and that is the blue shock. The blue shock is the worst of all. Today it is the blue shock.
When I know it is the blue shock I start to moan and I send commands to myself but some work and some do not. I get a very tight grip laid on me and they shout and you must understand that the shout is like a demon. Before that it is all quiet and then there is little moan and terrible shout. I stop my moan and go down to the blue shock.
They disrobe me and throw me into the blue shock room. They shout that I know things. I begin to cry because I do not know the codes because I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING! I shout and moan because I know how bad the blue shock can get and it is the worst. Sometimes when I go to the red it feels like the red is the worst and sometimes when I go to the yellow it feels like yellow is the worst, but no, blue is the real worst. The worst of all. The worst of all shocks. So I cry.
The shock rooms are all dark and hard and cold because I am naked. There are drains on the floor for when the shock makes me go. I sit on the drain because shock is less here by a little, but I never really checked anywhere else that I can rememeber. The drain is still wet. That is the worst. Sometimes in the blue room they do that. They don't clean the room. That is the worst.
"Codes" is the deep sound that I hear. I swing my arms but there is never anyone there and it is always the same voice. "Codes." "Codes." I do not say yes or no anymore cause it does not matter. I do not say fake codes. Best just to sit and cry and wait for the shock and think of the finch.
"Codes" and here comes the blue shock and LIGHT! and BLUE HOT LIGHT in my head and oh oh oh oh oh o h ho i hffm ,mf itr is like a bang and a fire and a blue and a light all at once. i make a sound but it is nonsense. I am nonsense. It hurts most in the head. Feels like coal in the head burning. Also hurts a lot are the feet and the balls. The feet have a tingle and they burn when they feel. The balls are very hard and sore. If I could cut off my balls and my feet and my head it would be better but I can't. I do not even know how.
"Codes" and MORE. and it is all the same story. they do the shock so that I cannot remember how many times they lay it on me. It is definitely a lot. When it is over it is the dead time. I lay in the shit and they pull me out into another dark room. This is the water room. It feels good on the lips but the water actually burns me or that's how it feels as it comes down. It is a big wash.
When the wash is over they bring the girls in. They cover my eyes with the blindfold. They say "That is my good boy; don't worry mommy is here for you" and they put towels around me. and they say how I am a good son and they tell me that I am so good that maybe one day I will even remember some codes to tell mommy. They are all my mommy. And they wrap me and kiss me on the forehead and they take me back to the light and then the dark train again. And they push a spike into me and I sleep again and this time I am an antelope. And I am on the veldt and there is not a lion in sight.