leaving again

I sat on the
edge of the bed
watching her pack

taking bits of clothing
socks, skirts, tops

She didn't speak
and I couldn't
that was what started it
I think, I didn't know

she was flustered
confused
throwing things into the case
taking them out again

I was dead inside
wanting her gone
out of my life
wanting to stop her
leaving again

there was nothing else
said.
nothing to break a
silence. Before there was
argument
shouting. Tears.

I stared at her
my head screaming
stop

All I wanted to do was
throw my arms around her
hold her
feel her hold me
it would be right
again
without words

I sat and watched

The phone rang in the kitchen
the answering machine was off
it rang and rang
she still continued and
I still sat

more for the sake of something
anything
I went through to answer it

when I came back
she hadn't finished
she'd stopped. Sitting now
on the edge of
the bed, her head in her hands

I went over to her
touched my hand to her
head, caressing her hair
she was shaking

"I HATE you, bastard!"
she reached up
and flew a fist at me
hitting one side of my face
but there was no power
left there
this one wouldn't even bruise
I thought

"I fucking hate you,
why
do you want me to leave?"
"I don't, you know I don't
I never said that.
how could I?"

tears now again
I knelt down in front of her
My face next to hers
I took both her
hands in mine
she threw her arms apart
breaking my grip

I put my hands
to her face
brushing her hair away
from her eyes
sticking to her cheeks
from the wet of her
tears

I held her head
kissing her cheeks
kissing away tears

her fists
hitting me
on my arms
and back

sobbing in my ear
"I hate you, I fucking hate you"

I kissed her lips
her arms wrapped
around me

I never wanted
to leave her
for her to leave

but it happened
eventually

like we knew it would