Kungfused - a story of mortal combat

Like something out of a bad spagetti western movie misplaced in the sands of time; two solitary figures stood motionless in the center of the town. One of the figures was the would-be famous Gaul1 "Knarphix". The other was former Roman slave "Uberfeticus" who had bought his freedom by fighting as a gladiator in the notorious colosseum. They both regarded one another with cold unemotional eyes. The chill of death swept through the street and caused on-lookers to seek refuge in the relative safety of their homes. Before the Sun would seek his rest; one of these two titans would fall.

Then for what seemed an eternity; like a fatal game of musical statues, Uberfeticus finally broke the agonizing wait. He draw his sword, held it a loft and began to charge at Knarphix. Knarphix stood his ground, waiting for the right moment to occur. Uberfeticus was no longer a rational man; for if he had been he would have noticed the unflinching Knarphix. Uberfeticus was now filled with the all to familiar blood letting frenzy that had kept him alive all those years as a gladiator.

Suddenly Knarphix snapped out of his deep contemplation and began to charge at Uberfeticus with equal vigor. All the on-lookers who were previously frozen with terror jumped.

As the two warriors drew to within a foot of each other, as quick as Knarphix had sprung into action he now brought himself to a complete stop without so much as a falter. Uberfeticus's survival instinct kicked in and he knew that he too would have to stop - this was too easy, ergo too dangerous.

Knarphix began to speak; but what was strange was that the sound of his voice was not in sync with the movements of his mouth, further more he spoke in a Chinese accent. "Damn you Uberfeticus!" Knarphix's mouth continued to move. "You killed my teacher!" Uberfeticus was taken aback, it was one thing to watch a man charge at you weaponless, it was another thing for him to be speaking out of sync and in a Chinese accent. Fearing some form of trickery Uberfeticus slowly took a step back.

Furious at what appeared to be a sign of cowardice from his adversary, Knarphix pointed in an accusing manner and again mouthing with a delay in sound. "Damn you coward! I'll show you! Try my flying boar meets rabid monkey style!". Knarphix drew into a stance that could only be described as being incredibly painful and would allow one's chiropractor retire off the necessary treatments required to repair the damage.

Uberfeticus's heart sank. He knew this feeling, it was death. His own. You see it is one thing to fight a gaul (for they are fearsome warriors); it's another to have him speak in badly dub Chinese. Uberfeticus realised he was now Kungfused.



Knarph as Knarphix
Uberfetus as Uberfeticus
booyaa as The village idiot

1 See the stories of Asterix and Obelix are based on the adventures of Knarphix. Sadly people questioned the credability of one person being able to perform so many tasks that they made up two fictional characters. Of course one must also accept that this is a piece of fiction and therefore I am making all this up as I go along.

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