I cannot guarantee success, but these are some things that have worked for me in the past:

  • Bring your entire Transformers collection. Play with them. When asked about them, stare back calmly and say, "They're more than meets the eye."
  • Talk a lot about your time in the military. Try not to dwell on the violent stuff.
  • Bring plenty of Cheez Whiz.
  • Respect the family traditions. Be sure to ask the father, "Show me how you spank her."
  • Don't start negotiating about the dowry right away. Over dinner is a perfect time.
  • If there are pets, chase them.
  • Trust me on this one: fish ties
  • If you are going to smoke pot, make sure you offer to everyone.
  • Don't steal anything. Big.
  • If the police arrive to serve a warrant on you, ask to hide in the basement. Getting arrested is embarrassing.
  • Be sure to ask permission before you start making out in the living room.

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