"An operation of this nature requires the utmost care, Julia."
"Robert, darling, I know you enjoy the white board but I'm never going to take you seriously while you're using it. Let's work this out without it."
"Julia, this sort of thing requires precise planning to accomplish successfully. We have to decide on a location, a security force, an invitation list, a registry, place settings, a menu, dresses, wedding favors. If we show a moment's weakness or let anyone anticipate our actions, our enemies will capitalize and that will be the end of us!"
"I know, darling. If we pick something predictable like Jordan almonds, without a doubt, we will be dead before morning."
"Exactly, my dear, which is why you need to take this seriously."
"All right, well, in terms of location, we need to pick a place inaccessible to conventional law enforcement from any nation. So, naturally, we need somewhere that is isolated and easily securable. The obvious logical site would be somewhere very difficult to access. For example, in the Himalayas. In fact, I have had a particular mountain in mind for some time now."
"Excellent, that's exactly the sort of thinking we'll need to make this operation a success."
"And aside from that issue, I was thinking that we should really put a rice cooker on our registry. I'm no good at cooking rice on my own. And you aren't either."
"Yes, unfortunately, my theory about threatening to stab it if it misbehaves has failed to produce results."
"Look, darling. My parents will never forgive me if it's not a Catholic wedding. You'll simply have to abduct a priest and force him to do it. Preferably a Mexican."
"Darling, do you expect your parents to forgive you for being abducted, flown thousands of miles, and then restrained to witness our nuptials?"
"Of course they will, dear. How many times do I have to explain it to you? They will as long as it's a valid Catholic wedding."
"So, despite the fact that we will have guards holding the priest at gunpoint forcing him to recite a mass, your parents will accept it? And if we fail to do so, they won't?"
"Yes, as I have attempted to explain to you before. Do you want to turn every Thanksgiving into some awkward conversation about when we're going to get married for real?"
"Julia, my dear, I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. If this is what you want, it's what I'll do."
"Robert, I'm as thrilled as you at your recent success at robotics. I'm just saying that nuclear-powered robots serving the food will not lend the reception a futuristic atmosphere. They will just scare the hell out of our families."
"My dear, I will not have a buffet at our wedding reception. I won't stand for it."
"Whatever you want, my darling, it will be fine with me. With the exception of robotic waiters. If you want a traditional service we will have to find human beings to do it."
"This gets to something I've been thinking about. We need to train a pair of private armies to do our bidding. The scientists in our employ just don't really make the cut."
"What are you imagining, Robert dear? Each of us with teams of ninjas in our employ, waiting tables or toppling governments when we need them?"
"Exactly that, Julia! Teams of men and women at our disposal to handle events exactly like this! Prepared for all eventualities. Thoroughly trained and heavily armed. That's exactly the sort of thing we'll need in order to achieve what we deserve."
"Robert, I don't see how I could possibly find a wedding dress that will accommodate Kevlar panels in order to protect me. And I don't want you wearing some bulky vest under your tuxedo, either. Frankly, I don't want my family and friends to think we've gotten fat."
"Julia, my love, please be practical. You have to realize that our enemies are going to capitalize upon this opportunity. I would be astounded if there weren't any gunfire."
"Are you saying that Mamá and Papá are going to be risking their lives when they attend our wedding?"
"It was less than a week ago that you saved me from that Israeli force. Julia, we have to be realistic about this. Your perfect skin would make a perfect trophy for -- if I am keeping count correctly -- 28 different national governments, at least seven major NGOs, and last but certainly not least, UNICEF."
"Robert, if you're honestly angry about that, I'm sorry. But if they expect me to donate to them, they should have followed our procedure instead of sending masked hoodlums to the door to shake me down!"
"As may be, it still seems excessive to have destroyed their headquarters. At any rate, they have more trained killers on their staff that the CIA and the KGB combined. They're committed to protecting the world's children -- at any cost."
"Well, darling, you always had a cooler head than I do. At any rate, if we can't be certain our guests are not armed, we shouldn't invite them. I'm not going to compromise on an outfit that is unflattering."
"You know, this will be interesting. You don't talk about your parents very much."
"Interesting to say the least, my love. Father is no problem. Mother, on the other hand, is formidable."
"Are you saying you don't think she'll like me?"
"I'm saying, my dear, that aside from you she is the woman I fear most."
"Ahh, then she'll love me. What kind of food does she like? We'll have to impress her at the reception."
"My beloved Julia. From the day I met you, I knew you were the only woman I could love. You are not only the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, you are also the deadliest. Whatever happens, I know that my life is in mortal peril as long as you live, and so I choose a negotiated alliance."
"Dear Robert. You are my beloved, and my calculations assure that I will almost certainly never find a man as perfect as you. The two of us are meant to be together, and I choose to join forces with you. You and I will fight together, and we will vanquish our foes. Until the day one of us murders the other."
"Do you, Robert, take this woman to be your wedded wife, as long as you both shall permit the other to live?"
"I unreservedly do."
"Do you, Julia, take this man to be your husband, as long as you both shall permit the other to live?"
"I do. I do!"
The Von Wicked Chronicles
by Excalibre and Evil Catullus
I remember when it was me who made you want to take over the world and enslave humanity
Latex. High heels. Knives. (Excalibre's writeup)
It's not my fault that I'm so evil
I was a teenage Overlord
Lady Deathblast's Lover
This little light of mine
The Thanksgiving battle
My funny villaintine
Robots and comic books
This wicked life
The education of little overlords
All things truly wicked
Darkness lights its own way
How it all began
Sometimes I think you love that doomsday machine more than you love me.
They are mine. They are dead.