a game played by underage americans outside of grocery, liquor, and convenience stores. the goal of the game is to obtain some manner of alcoholic beverage, preferrably without spending too much more money than the item retails for.

works like this:

1 the setup. you will need to be under 21. it is also helpful to be good looking. i'd hate to tell you how many nights i've played hey mister for hours with no success, only to see some cute cheerleader type walk up and get her booze on the first try. grr.

2 the setting. the setting should be dark, without many customers. it should not be on a main road, where passing policemen may wonder why you've been standing outside the store in question for so long. ideally, the price of the alcohol you want to buy should be posted in the window, making it harder for you to be ripped off. do not play hey mister outside of state run liquor stores.

3 the buyer. select the person you want to approach carefully. you're shooting for someone who just turned 21 and never gets asked to buy beer, and feels a little dejected about that. do not approach old people - they will rat you out to the clerk. do not approach hippies (or members of other irreponsible looking subcultures) - they will steal your beer and all the money you give them. if you're a girl, do not approach other girls - half the time they're cool, half the time they'll steal your money, tell on you, or both. god knows why. if you dress strangely, do not approach rednecks or frat boys - they'll steal your money, then beat you up.
so who does that leave? someone who looks as much like you as possible. you're wearing a tool t-shirt, they have a tool sticker on their car. someone as young as possible, but responsible looking. and, again, it's always worth it to try and work the opposite sex. when you're a girl, you can act pretty much however you want, but if you're a boy, remember to be mature - don't act like a bunch of teenagers or no woman in her right mind will want to associate with you.

4 the line. the classic approach begins, of course, with 'hey, mister..' however, it's more effective to start with, 'hey, are you 21?' this gets right to the point - they know what you want - and answers a question that will be of great significance in your relationship with this person. if the answer is yes, you say, 'would you buy me a sixpack/case/halfrack/lot of {insert beer of choice here}?' or, you can just ask, 'will you buy us some beer?' and leave the details for later. if the answer is yes again, pause for a second. take note of their demeanor thus far. if they seem at all sketchy, it's probably wise to reach into an empty pocket and exclaim, 'oh shit! i forgot the money. nevermind, thanks anyway,' and walk off. if not, proceed to the deal.

5 the deal. give the buyer enough money to buy the kind and quantity of alcohol you want. if you don't know this, you need to go into the store before gameplay begins and find the price. give your buyer the money in bills with convenient demoninations - don't hand him or her a handful of change and crumpled up ones. and don't neglect a little extra for a 'finder's fee.' this is not a tip - it need not be fifteen percent - it's just whatever change is left over, which, if you do your math right, should be a buck or two, fifty cents for a forty.

6 the exchange. after several paranoid minutes, your buyer should emerge from the store with your alcohol. take it, thank them, and leave the premises quickly, preferrably by car. if the buyer doesn't come out for a long time, they're not coming out at all. you can either leave, having lost all of your money, or, if you have friends and you're larger than the buyer, go inside and kick their ass. if possible, though, it's best to get the buyer outside before beating them up. but hopefully it won't come to that.

and remember, kids - breaking the law is wrong.