Owned and operated by Ray Lines, the video rental store Clean Flicks is located in Utah surrounded by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So Lines has the perfect customer base for his services. He offers to sell you a film that you would like to see if it weren't for the fact that God says you will burn in hell for it. Ray Lines and his staff of dilligent god-fearing angels will take your videotape and censor out all the shits and fucks and God damns and titties and decapitated heads and excessive uses of force. He will clean your flick for only twelve bucks plus the cost of the tape plus shipping and handling. His people will risk burning in hell for glancing at spawns of Satan, so that you may go in peace. What they do with the parts that are cut out is not detailed for public scrutiny.

This is completely and totally legal. He doesn't have to pay copyright fees or get permission from the movie companies. His staff doesn't (allegedly) make one copy and then copy the copy. They take YOUR copy that YOU bought and with your permission they slice the shit out of it. Why? Why to save your soul from evil of course you silly heathen. Since you own the videotape in question, you can run over it with a car if you want and it's not against the law. So in other words the mormons have found a way to censor movies without getting in trouble for it. I can't even think of a way in which I can properly combat this.

That just pisses me off.

The following is a partial list of movies they'd be happy to cleanse in the blood of the lamb for you:

  • Air Force One "Oh shOOt, Mister President! Those dARN gentlemen who happen to be terrorists from Russia and we certainly have nothing against most Russians because we are filled with the spirit of the Lord have taken over the fASTing plane!"
  • Aliens "Ouch! The alien is quietly and politely crawling out of my abdomen without any gory blood as if it were a virgin birth! Ooh but it stings though!"
  • Armageddon "You think that's bad? I owe a hundred grand to a FLAT-NOSED loan shark which I spent BUYING ALMOND JOY AND Mound CANDY BARS FOR NEEDY ORPHANED CHILDREN!"
  • Braveheart In the CleanFlick version they most definitely didn't cut off his penis.
  • Breakfast Club It's not detention: it's bible study on school grounds
  • Die Hard "Yippee-ki-yay, mother'S FUDGE TASTES GREAT!"
  • Eraser Actually anything done to this film would be an improvement.
  • Erin Brockovich At least this time she's not the whore of Babylon, eh? Clean Flicks refuses to edit Pretty Woman. They should refuse to edit any of these films.
  • Forrest Gump "That's what all these PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED PEOPLE down at the VA talk about: Jesus IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR this and Jesus IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR that. They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening and if I found Jesus, I'd get to walk beside him in the kingdom of Heaven. Did you hear what I said?! WALK beside him in the kingdom of Heaven! Well kiss my PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED BUT OTHERWISE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM as- ER UHM.. BUTTOCKS! God is listening? What a crock of SHITZHU PUPPY DOGGIES."
  • Ghost What? Do they cut Whoopi Goldberg completely out of the film and replace her with the disembodied voice of Charlton Heston as God?
  • I Know What You Did Last Summer This film is nothing but bloody gore and real bad sexual innuendo. The edited version of this film is less than fifteen minutes long.
  • Iron Giant Anyone who censors one millisecond of this incredible film should be tarred and feathered. For their next trick they will give Old Yeller a happy ending. The bastards.

You can learn more about this bastian of decency and wholesomeness at http://www.ecomallbiz.com/cleanflicks/blacklist Leaving burning crosses in their parking lot is not recommended: they may mistake it for a compliment.

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