This is a now
scary something. Getting into a
serious relationship was basically what I was looking for towards the beginning of
high school, being the
mature (so I thought) girl that I was. After about 5 of those, I'm thinking no. With
friendships, I have always seemed to find a special girl or even a few of them and we'd become quite close. But as these things tend to go, things happened to
change and lessen those bonds.
On the relationship side, there is an important question I'm asking myself lately. Do I want to continue searching for a meaningful, long-term relationship? Do I want to just enjoy being young and date around? I get all sorts of advice on this subject, whether I like it or not. In the end, it's up to me (and the guy(s) ...so they think, lol). I find more happiness with the closeness of a trusting relationship. I don't like holding back, I put myself into it. I'm committed, wanting a close friendship combined with romance. Too often he isn't as into it, and I can see why high school guys wouldn't be. Not that I want an engagement ring slapped on my finger any time soon. But you leave yourself vulnerable for a lot of pain when you get close to a SO.
It's another thing to think about this concerning your friends. While there is still a sense of vulnerability and trust, you aren't as likely to be "dumped" by your friends. Too many close friends have drifted away, and it makes me sad. Sure, we'll still talk and even hang out at times. But it becomes obvious that you've changed, have new friends, or whatever else may be in the way of being the way you once were. Thinking of that former best friend has a sense of nostalgia, but it also hurts. A part of you has gone away, the part that they brought out. Or sometimes you'll be eager to make a new friend and wrongly judge someone's trustworthyness, reciprocal interest in the friendship, or something else. It can hurt pretty bad when a budding friendship is spoiled.
To get further in relationships, romantic and platonic, both sides have to put in equal effort. It's a scary thing to place trust in someone because it's likely that one day that trust will be broken. After a punch in the stomach by these feelings it's hard to want to put out the effort and trust again. Relying on yourself is a good idea, but very hard. There must be a balance where you have your own independence and faith in yourself, and are also able to have close relationships with others.
I would like to dedicate this node to the friends who've recently helped me see that it's worth the risk to have those close relationships, especially little lost star.