Audio captured from a very interesting taping of one of America's favorite game shows:
Ol' Bob's at it again.
"OK, welcome everybody to another edition of Jeopardy!. Before we start playing, let's meet our contestants today. Let's start with Deborah Sillinger from Dearborne, Michigan. You are an interior designer, correct?"
"Yes, that's correct Alex. I've been doing it for fourteen years now."
"I'd like to do you for fourteen years!"
"Now, Bob, that was inappropriate. Come on."
"I guess we'll go to you next. Here we have Bob Casey from St. Louis, Missouri. Bob, it says here you're in sales. What do you sell?"
"Care to elaborate?"
"OoooK, moving right along. Next is Francis Ballman from Los Angeles, California. It says here you are a history professor at UCLA."
"Yes, that's correct, Alex. I teach in-depth classes on American history to mostly freshman."
"Good. Great. OK now that we've met our contestants, let's look at the subjects for the first round. We have 'What's In A Name?,' 'Historical Places,' 'On The Map,' 'Famous Psychologists,' and 'Star Trek.' Deborah, we'll start with you."
"I'd like 'What's In A Name' for one hundred, Alex."
"'The real name of this famous nineteenth century author, otherwise known as Mark Twain.'"
"Who is Samuel Clemens?"
"Correct! Select again, please."
"I'd like Italian Porn Stars for a thousand, Alex!"
"Bob, I'm afraid it's not your turn. That's not one of the subjects anyway! Now, please, Deborah, select again."
"Uhhh, 'What's In A Name' for two hundred, please."
"Who is Cunni Linguini, Alex?
"Bob, it's not your turn. Now, onto Deborah's choice: 'Non-horrible stories written by this author were published under the pseudonym Richard Bachman.'"
"Who is Stephen King?"
"Correct, Francis. Select a category."
"How about 'Gay names' for four hundred?!"
"It isn't your turn, Bob!"
"Uhh, um, I'll take 'On The Map' for one hundred."
"'This state, home of former President Clinton, borders Missouri to the north.'"
"What is ARKANSAS, Alex?!"
"Well, that's correct, Bob, but I'm afraid that you didn't hit your button in time, Deborah --"
"AW BULL SHIT!"
"Sorry, Bob, but Deborah hit her button first."
"What is Arkansas, Alex?"
"She stole my answer! She didn't know! Bull shit!"
"I'll take 'What's In A Name' for three hundred, Alex."
"I'll take 'Deborah is a fucking bitch' for five thousand, Alex!"
"Settle down, Bob! OK. Um, here's the answer: 'The company CISCO is short for this city's name, not an acronym as popularly believed.'"
"What is San Francisco, Alex?!"
"You are correct, Bob! You were quick enough with the buzzer this time. Select a category, please!"
"Hey, Alex, can I ask you a question?"
"Well, uh, sure, you--"
"Why'd you shave your moustache?"
"Well, I, uh, did it on a whim, you see, just to see what it would look like on camera one day right before taping the last show of the day. Now, select a category."
"I'll bet it got in the way of some things, that's the real reason."
"Look, just pick a category, let's move things along--"
"I'll bet your boyfriend liked it --"
"Listen, I don't have a boyfriend, all right. Now choose!"
"Geez, OK. I guess I'll choose. 'How Many Dicks Has Alex Trebek Sucked' for a hundred, please."
"Must you be so offensive, Bob? Listen, please select a real category!"
"I'll take 'Star Trek
for one hundred then!"
"Here's the answer: 'Although not in the original pilot, this actor became the main star of the original series playing Captain James T. Kirk.'"
"Who is William Shatner, baby!"
"Correct, Bob. Select again, please."
"'Star Trek' for two!"
"'From 1987 to 1994, this English actor, whos first love is the stage, played Captain Jean Luc Picard in the updated Star Trek: The Next Generation.'"
"Patrick Stewart, Alex!"
"Oooo, I'm sorry, Bob, you didn't put it in the form of a question..."
"Sorry, Bob. OK, Deborah?"
"She'll take 'My Name is Deborah and I've Got Small Tits and I'm A Skank Ho' for five hundred!"
"Bob, you are the most offensive man I've ever met! Good lord! Who is Patrick Stewart?"
"I'd like to ram it up your ass, Deborah, and give you a dirty sanchez, put that in the form of a question!"
"Uhh, c-correct, D-Deborah, please, j-just select again. Quickly."
"I'll take 'Historical Places' for--"
"Hey, Francis, can you tell me how Alex's dick tastes now that he's shaved his moustache?"
"For the love of god, Bob! I haven't sucked his dick!"
"Get the fire hose, we've got a flamer here, Alex!"
"'Historical Places' for three hundred!"
"The place where Francis historically fucked Alex Trebek. Why, that would be 'What is the cornhole?' Ho ho!"
"Jesus Christ! OK, Deborah, your answer is--"
"Hey, I put in the form of a ques--!"
"--look at this! It's the Daily Double. It's a special photo Daily Double. Deborah, please tell us what this place is:"
"What is the Sahara Desert, Alex?"
"Is that where Deborah's camel toe is, Alex?! She's got quite a big one goin' on!"
"All right, Bob, THAT'S ENOUGH! I cannot let you continue to be a contestant on this--!"
"Hey, Alex, I'll take 'Let's All Titty Fuck Deborah' for five dollars!"
"All right. Security! Get this man out of here!"
"'This woman loves fisting and frotting!' Why, that's 'Who is Deborah?' Correct! The next answer is 'The biggest dick Alex Trebek has sucked with his hairless lip!'
"Yes, right here, this one!"
"'A Fourteen Inch Dick!' Wait! I know the question! 'What does Bob have and you don't, Alex?!' Yeeeeuggg! Let go of me! Agh!"
"Get him out of here!"
"Worship my...ugh!...COCK! Worship it, Alex!
Wooorrrsssship my cooooooooock!
"Deborah and Francis, I apologize for this. I frankly don't know how he got on this show. Now, where were we...?"