As an Old Geezer Without A Life
, I enjoy getting to surf
around to various high school alumni website
s, where you're supposed to sign up
, enter your e-mail address
and some info about what a mess
you've made of your life, and, in theory
, be deluged by messages from old classmate
s, all eager to renew acquaintance
Of course, I nearly never get mail
from any of those old alumni--no surprise
, because I've only rarely sent e-mail
to anyone on those lists either, and when I have, I usually regret
it afterwards. Who wants to learn that your former best friend
has become a raving crackhead
, or that your ex-girlfriend
(and her insanely-jealous husband
) hates your guts for imagined slights
, or even that the class beauty
is still just as shallow
as she ever was? Hell, more than likely, they
don't want to see what a pushead
you've turned out to be, either...
But hope springs eternal
, and after finding a new name on those lists, it seems to take a herculean
effort on my part to keep from sending them e-mail. But when the temptation
seems too great, I just have to remember
three little episode
s...1. Sending a note to the lovely and talented Karen, who I admired from afar in all of our classes, and receiving a reply stating that she always thought I was creepy and she didn't want to hear from me again...
2. Sending a note to Alan, who I was friends with from fourth grade to graduation, and receiving a reply stating that he couldn't correspond with me unless I promised to become a Born Again Christian...
3. Sending a note to Charlotte, my date to the junior prom, and receiving a reply stating that she really wasn't sure she could remember who I was...
After remembering those moments of horror
(God, it's like high school
never ended, ain't it?), it becomes much easier to resist
the temptation to write
.And then I disconnect the keyboard, just to make sure...