Zoomcakes, noun. Plural: Zoomcakes. Singluar: Zoomcakes.
Serving Size Unknown
Servings Per Container: Estimated at 6.02214129(27)×10^23
Calories: 6.626 068 96(33)×10^–34 Calories from fat: Not known.
% Daily Value*
Total Fat: 12%
Saturated Fat 3%
Trans Fat 4%
Total Carbohydrates 40%
Dietary Fiber 2%
Vitamin A 0% Vitamin D 200% (after opening package decrease 1% every hour)
Vitamin B 1% Iron 15%
Calcium 1% Deuterium 30%
Ingredients: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Enriched Bleached Flour (Wheat Flour, Nicotine, Nanoscale Ferromagnetic Particles Suspend in a Syrup, Candida Parapsilosis, Riboflavin Vitamin B2, Folic Acid), Water, Palm and Palm Kernel Oil, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and Calliphora Vomitoria Oil, Dextrose, Soybean Oil. Contains 2% or Less of Each of the Following: Soy Flour, Egg Whites, Rattus Rattus, Emulsifiers (Mono- and Diglycerides, Sorbitan Monostearate, Enriched Uranium, ZOOM!, Polysorbate 80), Leavening (Baking Soda, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate), Lead Salts, Novocaine, Corn Starch, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Colors (Rainbows, Aniline Purple, Safranin, Rosaniline Hydrochloride), Natural and Artificial Flavors, Potato Starch.
Zoomcakes are a type of snack cake a la Little Debbies produced by the Knaresborough Confection Company of Knaresborough, North Yorkshire. They come in a white box with a picture of a cartoon duck with a camera hanging around its neck. The words "ZOOMCAKES" is printed in Cardiff Regular font with a Comic Sans slogan in the lower portion of the image: "Zoomcakes aren't eerie at all." There is no clarification of this slogan anywhere else on the box nor on the KCC website.
Of the back of the box the following text is printed next to a larger, lower-res copy of the duck picture (and they've managed to catch two letters of their slogan in the magnification): "Zoomcakes are the go-to food of the Knaresborough duck! With thousands of Zoomcakes sold worldwide, we wish to bring our humble cake to you!! Since 1992 Zoomcakes are the cake that is taking Britian and consequently the earth by tempest! Order Zoomcakes today! Buy the whole collection!" Britain is spelled wrong and nowhere else can I find information about the "whole collection."
Upon opening a Zoomcakes box, you will find seven Zoomcakes arranged in small plastic wrappers. The Zoomcakes appear to be frosted yellow cakes with white cream and chocolate glaze. I say "appear" however, because upon opening a Zoomcakes wrapper, the single Zoomcakes begins to glow. The cake reaches about 340 degrees before slowly cooling down over the course of several hours. The product is thus self-cooking. After the glow subsides, Zoomcakes resemble a solid blue and black soap bubble.
Eating a Zoomcakes is a bit like making love for the first time. You are mostly nervous and there is a lot of fumbling about. When you take off the wrapper, you must avert your eyes for your partner's luminescence is too bright to behold without going blind. Further, you must rest your partner on a metallic surface capable of withstanding your new lover's extreme heat. And under no circumstance are you to put your partner into the microwave due to electrical arcing. Also, don't kiss a Zoomcakes or ask it for oral as it tend to leak when spoken to and the contents is a foamy substance that puffs up like an adder and tends to chemically react with linoleum.
Once the wrapper is off, you must wait a good long while to eat the Zoomcakes. The flavor is a bit spicy. I would compare it to Uncle Todd's Spitting Hot Tarantula Sauce mixed with a good helping of metal and baking soda with the consistency of wet flour. The stuff tends to gum up your mouth like a Fruit Roll-Up as it sticks to everything especially the roof of your mouth. Washing it down with water makes it stickier, so I highly recommend a Coke to chase it down. Out of curiosity, I experimented a little bit and found that Coca Cola will dissolve Zoomcakes with as little as a single drop, rendering the entirety of a Zoomcakes into a viscous off-yellow fluid that glows under black light.
After eating a Zoomcakes you will notice that you have extremely loose stool. This condition persists for several days but is nothing to be alarmed about. You may note that your eyes glow a sort of yellow, this is not a sign of jaundice, so don't worry about that either. The scintillating scotoma goes away in a few hours. You may also hear voices, but I'm told that they go away after a couple of months (I hope). Reports of a Banjo Funkasaurus stalking people who have eaten Zoomcakes is probably just exaggeration.
I can't say I would recommend Zoomcakes to anybody else. They're an odd food and despite "taking the earth by tempest", I've never seen them outside of the Knaresborough Confection Company website where I special ordered them. Granted, I live in the United States and am very faraway from Northern Yorkshire, so I don't know if something happened in transit to create the strange little snack cakes that arrived on my door. I would be interested in hearing what they are like from somebody who lives closer to the production facilities.
E2D2: "Zoomcakes are life. Zoomcakes are pornographic. Zoomcakes provide moisture."
E2D2: "Zoomcakes are wholesome. Brad named her chest Zoomcakes."
E2D2: "Why have my Zoomcakes turned green? Become relaxed and mellow."
E2D2: "Touch the zoomcakes. Zoomcakes: Zoomcakes are wholesome. Zoomcakes: Zoomcakes."
Uh, better slow down on the Zoomcakes there, E2D2.