Oh, no you dih'-unt.

Dude, (and be assured that I use that term only in the most gender-neutral, non-discriminatory way possible, even though statistically the percentage odds are in the low single-digits that you are a female desirous of learning to operate an R/C model) -

Those are for experienced pilots. It would take weeks of patient, disciplined flying instruction to develop the twitch-reflexes and flying skills necessary to operate one with any chance of not rendering the darn thing to its component bits of balsa, styrofoam, and fiberglass. I'm assuming you don't have a flying instructor. You've got no chance.

This sort of thing breaks more hearts and turns more people off of the hobby. Dad promises son that they'll try one if the boy gets good marks. Boy holds up on his end of the bargain. Dad and son go to hobby shop. Clerk tries to talk Dad out of buying that high-powered bomb for his first ship. Dad is determined. Plane is 're-kitted' after the first 10 seconds of flight.

You can learn to fly a radio control model plane. But you must put any notion of immediate gratification out of your mind. Here's my recommended path towards the goal:

Give up any notions, oh ye neophyte, of instant gratification.

This is not going to be an instant deal. You just aren't going to buy a plane ready-to-fly, un-box it, and fly it successfully. There are some preparatory steps you need to go through.

Read up on the subject

It's a technical hobby - so it's not unreasonable that you bone up a bit ahead of time. There are a number of "getting started" books on the subject. A visit to your friendly neighborhood hobby shop will probably allow you to score one. There are also a number of magazines devoted to the hobby. Buy a couple of issues. Check out the ads. Read the beginner's articles. Understand the four forces governing flight. Learn how airfoils work. Appreciate the arcana of dihedral and aircraft stability.

Find a club. Go to a meeting. Visit their flying site. Join. Find an instructor.

These outfits are perpetually looking for new members. One of these guys will be eager to instruct you. You also should consider joining the Academy of Model Aeronautics (if you're in the US). This organization can, under certain circumstances, provide limited, last-ditch insurance coverage if your model damages property or injures anyone. Most other countries should have similar, analagous organizations.

Consider eschewing the ready-made, ready-to-fly model.

You'll have a much greater sense of accomplishment if you build your model yourself. Plus, you can generally build a lighter, better flying plane than any you could buy ready-to-fly. You could even start out with a free-flight model and learn tons of stuff about flight forces, stability, and construction techniques before you begin with the twitch-reflexes of R/C piloting.

Well, okay. If I judge my audience right, if you're reading this the odds are you're a twenty-something, nintendo-generation youngster with no patience for that sort of thing. Still, I felt like I had to make the suggestion. And a couple more: don't do drugs. Drugs are bad, m'kay? And don't have so much unprotected sex before marriage. You won't take those, either, will you?

Start with a glider.

A 6-foot wingspan, polyhedral wing thermal floater. It can even be motorized, with an electric motor or small 2-stroke internal combustion engine if you're ambitious. These fly S-L-O-W-L-Y. Giving you lots of time to figure out the appropriate control input. They'll even fly themselves; thanks to their design, you can let go of the controls if you get mixed up, and they'll right themseleves. They're also simpler: a pure sailplane requires servos only for rudder and elevator control. If your glider is powered, add a third servo for throttle/speed control. Again, look for a polyhedral wing, where the wings angle upwards as they proceed outwards from the fuselage, until, at some point along the wingspan, there's another break, from which the wings slope up at a greater angle out to the tips. This is what you need for your early flying lessons.

Whether you build or buy your model, you must assemble it according to instructions and check and double-check that the radio equipment runs correctly, is properly installed, and adjusted. The balance (center-of-gravity), alignment, and control setup must be exactly as in the instructions. Here's where access to an experienced fellow-club member is invaluable. Not vital, exactly, but close. (You can see to all these details by yourself...I did, but then, I had some dozens of free-flight models under my belt by the time I tried my first R/C model. And a couple of hundred hours in navy jets, which is neither here nor there.) Most importantly, you must avoid the most common beginner's mistake. Place your model on the ground or on a table in front of you, pointed away. Turn on your R/C transmitter and the receiver aboard the plane. Stand directly behind your model. Now: move your control stick to the right. The rudder must move to the right. Move the stick to the left. Rudder to the left. Move the stick straight back. The elevators must deflect upward. Push the stick forward. The elevator must deflect downward. You'd be amazed how often improperly installed or connected servos reverse this sequence. You must not attempt to fly unless it's all exactly right.

Your first flights should be from a hand-toss

You'll need a largish field for this. A little-league diamond is not enough, a soccer-pitch is better. Start early in the morning, when the wind is 5 mph or less. From shoulder-height, launch your glider out from you, into the wind, horizontally, at a bit faster than walking speed. And don't touch your control transmitter. The idea is to verify that your glider is stable, and will fly itself. You will apply trim corrections until it does so...a bit of nose-down trim if your plane zooms nose up, threatening to stall, a bit of nose-up trim if it looks as if it's tending to nose-in. You'll also apply rudder trim to correct any turning tendency; you want your plane to track perfectly straightly. Any trim you apply here should be one or two clicks only, if this doesn't prove to be enough, your airplane is out of alignment, or your CG is off. Take it home and correct the situation. Your glider should go 15 to 30 yards before it touches down gently in the grass. Do this, again and again, after each launch retrieving your glider and walking back downwind, so that you always launch into the wind. Only gradually begin feeding in control inputs after launch. Try a few gentle turns. Not too steep! You don't want your plane to dig in a wing-tip and cartwheel. Try feeding in up-elevator as your glider approaches the end of these short hops, so that you flare just before touch down. You'll over control, probably, at first, but you'll gradually learn to time it so that your glider touches down with minimal vertical velocity, right at the aerodynamic stall speed of the airfoil. You must repeat this dozens of times, until any onlookers think you've got some weird obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Launch 'em!

If your glider is not motorized, your options for launching it will be: off a hill, from a winch, or with a "Hi-start", an elastic-bungee-catapult type affair. A winch is a more expensive piece of gear; many glider clubs pool resources to buy one. If you've hooked up with such a club, you'll doubtless have met someone to help you through your first winch launch.

I'll skip over hill/slope launches and motorized gliders. Hills are usually flown when there's a lot of wind flowing up the face of the hill, producing lift. You can do some amazing flying this way, but it's a bit much for a rank beginner. Motorized (internal combustion engines, aka glow powered, or electric powered) are actually pretty simple to fly, but the power-plant operation adds a few complications I'd rather not go into just now.

Which leaves the 'hi-start'. This piece of gear, economical to purchase, consists of 50 to 100 feet of rubber tubing or bungee, tied to a couple of hundred feet of strong nylon cable. The bungie end of this assembly is anchored to the ground by way of a stake or large, honkin' nail. The end of the nylon cord will have a parachute or banner and a metal ring about an inch in diameter which slips over a hook in the belly of your glider. You basically walk back, stretching this apparatus some 50 to 75 yards. Then, with your transmitter in one hand, your glider in the other, everything switched on, (DOUBLE CHECK THIS!!!), you launch your glider up into the wind at a 45 degree angle. You can grab your transmitter with both hands immediately on release, but, if your plane is properly aligned and trimmed, almost no control input should be necessary during the launch.

You'll be astonished how steeply and quickly your plane ascends. You just want to guide the plane left or right if it veers to keep it headed straight. Don't use the elevator at all unless it looks like your plane is getting too horizontal too early. The plane should assume a horizontal flight path only towards the end of this catapult launch. You want to fly it directly, vertically over the anchor point for your hi-start. As the line goes slack, the wind and drag will slip the tow ring off the glider's hook. You're flying!

Now, learn this lesson well: You don't HAVE to make control inputs every second of the way. The plane is stable, as you should know by now. So let it fly ITSELF. Let it proceed upwind for a few seconds. Then apply a little rudder input, either side (MUCH less than full stick deflection). Hold it. The plane should slowly, SLOWLY heel over into a bank. (See this for an explanation why). As it does so, feed in some elevator (again, NOT full deflection) to mitigate the tendency for the nose of the plane to drop in a turn. Center the rudder when the bank is at an angle you want, say, 30 degrees. Hold in the elevator. You're now circling like a big-ol' Texas turkey-buzzard. When you can learn to detect thermal updrafts (an advanced lesson) you'll circle like this within one and zoom upwards just like they do.

To roll out of this turn, apply rudder in the opposite direction. You may have to combine this with some momentary down-elevator until the wings are level. Try to time this so that the plane exits the turn headed towards you. You're now ready for lesson two:

When the plane is headed towards you, push the stick towards the LOW wing.

Because, it should be easy to see, the rudder control reaction will be REVERSED when the plane heads toward you. Quickly, now, lesson three:

Keep the airspeed up when the plane is headed downwind.

You have only one way to accomplish this in a glider: the pitch attitude of the aircraft. Nose-up slows you, nose down speeds you up. A lot of beginners get terrified flying downwind, the wind velocity is added to the gliding speed of the aircraft and the pilot thinks he or she is just going way too fast. So they nose the plane up. But this reduces the speed of the airflow over the plane's wings until it stalls, falls out of the sky, and, if not enough altitude remains for recovery, crashes. So remember, heading downwind, the airspeed is deceptive because the speed of the wind is added into the vector equation.

Last lesson for today:

Your landing setup

Your landing setup is with the plane flying past you, headed downwind, at an altitude of about 50 feet. Proceed downwind another 50-75 yards, always bearing in mind my earlier warning about keeping the airspeed up. Start your turn to base leg. Start your turn to final so that the plane flies towards you from downwind. Remember once again: correct deviations by pushing the stick towards the low wing while the plane is headed towards you. Don't try any fancy glideslope control - don't worry about the exact spot the plane will land. It will land where it lands, which should be cool...you are flying from a soccer-pitch sized field aren't you? Concern yourself only to begin your flare a couple of feet up so that the plane gently kisses the grass and gracefully slides to a stop. Turn off your transmitter.

Breathe out.

Exhilarating, no?