I am sitting quietly in the middle of a large audience, fidgeting but generally behaving myself. All is still. The air is charged with expectation, with people waiting for something to happen on stage. I squirm.

Suddenly I get the almost uncontrollable urge to leap out of my seat, wave my arms wildly, and yell "FUCK SHIT HELL MOTHERFUCKER SALTY BALLS" at the top of my lungs. Oh Lord....it's happening again. I cross my legs and hold on to my seat tightly (a life preserver in the sea of impulses coursing through me) so as to prevent this from happening. The urge passes, but not without the frenzied panic of a close call.

This happens to me often, these urges, these inexplicable bursts of energy at inappropriate moments. Where do they come from? Should I be locked up? The tension is too much for me, I guess. I need to break it. Not only break it, but utterly destroy it with the the most offensive act possible. I get sudden images of drinks flying through the air in crowded theatres, of diving off giant cliffs during stuffy guided tours, of throwing sleeping cats down staircases while my relatives make small talk at the bottom.

But I have never acted on them. The most that has ever come out is an occasional "eep!" replacing the obscenities floating around my mind. I am just waiting for the day I will not be able to control myself and watch in horror as all eyes turn to me, disgusted, shocked. What would I do? I think I would laugh. Or faint. One of the two.

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