Attention all mewling, dimly-aware primates of Earth.

The next stage in the long, barely-begun process of your uplift from carcass-scavanging pre-rodent to full galactic citizen has arrived. I admit to thinking that this day might never come; opinions among those of my kind ran the gamut from heady optimism at your delicious home-made gumbo to sad, head-shaking resignation at your apparent love for the culinary atrocity that is fast food. But progress was steady.

And in the last centuries, you have begun to understand that cornerstone of post-biological society: The Waffle. Naturally your current pastries are but clumsy imitations of the great star-waffles that ply the deep between worlds, but they are a first step.

Ah. I see in your fear you have made the mistake of attempting to assassinate this pseudoflesh simulacrum through which I am addressing you. Well, no matter—it is both far more resiliant than your pathetically fragile cell-based bodies, and every bit as disposable. Furthermore, it is no more “me” than a photograph is the individual depicted. Attacking me is analogous to one of your Earth dogs barking at a television screen—amusing, but stupid and ultimately annoying. Perhaps my would-be assassin will find some peace in the fact that my psi-powers have completely ravaged his higher reasoning facilities, though I find the term “higher” to be somewhat laughable in the case of you humans.

Returning to the far more pressing matter of breakfast pastries, now—your discovery of the waffle is an important step, and we of the Galactic High Council have decided that in the interest of speeding you on the path to citizenship, you will be shown the next great step in your evolution.

These are the most potent waffles that can be constructed using coarse matter. If all goes well, perhaps in some millennia you will come to discover the construction of electron degenerate waffles and then—ah, but here your crude words and symbols are inadequate. And I digress.

First—-and listen carefully, for these are like no waffles you know—in the evening, combine the dry ingredients, then stir in the milk. Add the butter and, optionally, vanilla. Mix well; the mixture will be loose.

Next, cover the bowl with plastic wrap or its equivalent and let the mixture rise overnight. If all goes well, it will have risen significantly. Then, separate the eggs. This is a delicate process, and we of the Galactic High Council look forward to laughing heartily at your ridiculous attempts to accomplish the task with your bumbling five-fingered paws.

Deflate the batter by stirring it briefly, then stir the egg yolks into it. Beat the egg whites until they hold soft peaks, then gently fold them into the mixture.

The resulting batter may be thinner than the waffle mixtures you are accustomed to. Cooking times should be similar; the waffles are done when golden-brown. Upon eating them, you will discover a far more rich and complex flavor than resulted from your previous, stuttering attempts at pastrycraft, and a texture—oh, such texture—that is crisp on the outside, but soft and creamy on the inside.

Go now, people of Earth, and evolve.

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