The primary
holiday for any and all SubGeniuses. More specifically, this is the most important event among followers of the
Church of the SubGenius. This is also the most important event in human history that never happened. Since
1953, the Church of the SubGenius was founded on the principles taught by a vacuum cleaner salesman named
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, who predicted among other things that on
July 5th, 1998,
X-ists would arrive on
Earth via
flying saucers and would destroy the planet, after causing endless torment to boring normal people and simultaneously resucing
SubGenius followers and anyone they happened to like at the time. The church promised a seat on said flying saucers to any
Followers In Bob who paid their dues and joined the church.
In the summer of 1998, a large
congregation of followers made their way to a
campground in western
New York state and held a
devival, as they awaited the fateful moment on the morning of July 5th 1998. They partied all weekend and participated in many questionable activities as they celebrated the coming of this
Rupture. However, the morning of July 5th came and went and nary a flying saucer was spotted, except for the
fascimiles that were constructed by the more creative and less plastered participants.
When that moment came and went, the followers dutifully turned on their religion's leaders and puppet heads, most notably among them was the Sacred Scribe of the church, none other than Reverend
Ivan Stang. They
tarred and feathered their unholy
holy man, carried him to a nearby pond and threw him in. One would think this would signify the end of one of the most artistically influential cults in the history of humankind. However, it was only the beginning.
Surviving his tar and feathering, Stang stood before his congregation soaking wet and not unlike a
skinned cat, at which point he then informed his followers that there are many
explanations regarding why the X-ists missed their self-imposed deadline. He conjectured that "Bob" purposefully scammed all his followers, which would be in keeping with his personality. Stang suggested that the sacred scriptures may have been translated upside down, and that the
end of the world will actually happen in the year 8991 (or 8661 as a fellow
superior mutant recently pointed out to me). Furthermore, he questioned mankind's very interpretation of temporal physics when he suggested that maybe 1998 hasn't actually happened yet.
Among these and other
excuses, many followers found themselves satisfied, and to this day, every July 5th weekend, the followers and their followers once again congregate in the wild woods of upstate New York, awaiting that fateful day when the aliens will arrive to enforce a
stark fist of removal to the
pinko enemies of all SubGeniuses, while they themselves will be rewarded for their loyalty by having opportunity with the multi-breasted whores who are believed to writhe enthralled on the flying saucers. Most importantly though, they get together to party and have fun, which is ultimately what any good religion worth its salt should be all about.