And so, just one year after the World Wrestling Federation held one of their best Wrestlemanias, Wrestlemania VIII, they air this steaming pile of dog crap. If you're the sort of person who likes watching car crashes, you'll like reading about this show.


And we're LIVE from Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada on April 4, 1993. Your hosts are Jim Ross (in his debut, immediately after defecting from WCW), Bobby Heenan and Randy Savage. There are lots of people in togas here. Roman theme. Whatever.

Match 1: Shawn Michaels v. Tatanka for the WWF Intercontinental Championship. Shawn is still in full post-Rockers narcissistic heel mode. Mediocre match; Shawn has to drag Tatanka kicking and screaming to something watchable... Michaels gets counted out in the worst possible ending, so that no one looks good and the heel keeps the title.

Match 2: The Headshrinkers v. The Steiner Brothers. Well, three of the four guys in this match suck ass and Scott Steiner was already heading way downhill after his first injury. The Steiners win cleanly.

Match 3: Crush v. Doink the Clown. Awful, awful match. Awful. It's bad. Don't watch it. Ends with two Doinks being in the ring at the same time, in case you needed another reason not to watch it.

Match 4: Razor Ramon v. Bob Backlund. If you've been reading my other Wrestlemania nodes, you'll know that I always take advantage of any opportunity to work the "plucky veteran being fed to a newcomer to put him over" phrase in. Well, Backlund is the plucky veteran and Razor is the newcomer. Guess what happens.

Match 5: Money, Inc. v. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake for the WWF Tag Team Championship. Hogan... in the middle of the card?! Me no understand. You should no understand too. This will be important later; there will be a pop quiz. Classic 1986 match, except that it's 1993. Beefcake takes off his protective mask midway through the match and whomps on the heels with it, drawing the disqualification. Hogan losing at a Wrestlemania?! Me no understand! Does not compute!

—Token celebrity interview with Natalie Cole.

Match 6: Mr. Perfect v. The Narcissist (Lex Luger). Totally unremarkable match. Luger wins it with a freakin' BACKSLIDE, of all things, and then uses his "Steel Plate Loaded Apocalyptic Nuclear Forearm of Doom and Destruction and All Things Bad" for good measure. Hennig chases Luger backstage once he recovers and runs into Shawn Michaels, which would start a feud between the two.

Match 7: Giant Gonzalez v. The Undertaker. Gonzalez is JUST like a real wrestler, only without the physique or ability or interview skills or command of the English language. But he is TALL and EVIL LOOKING, so Vince loves him. This was TALL and EVIL LOOKING talentless hack #3 of a series of 519 thrown at the Undertaker between 1993 and 1997, in case you were wondering. 'Taker wins after Gonzalez uses a chloroform-soaked rag and the ref sees it. Awful, awful, awful stuff.

Match 8: Bret Hart v. Yokozuna for the WWF Championship. Oh god, where to start. The entire undercard up to this point had sucked a big fat dick, so this was already shaping up to be one of the worst Wrestlemanias ever. But, since the WWF doesn't like to do anything half-assed, they decided to make a FULL ass of themselves and just blow their whole load of inane decisions while they were at it.

POP QUIZ!

Hulk Hogan and Yokozuna have both shown a complete inability to draw crowds as champion in the previous six months, and Bret Hart is the current WWF Champion. You are Vince McMahon. It is the main event of your biggest show of the entire year, and it is Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna. Do you:

  1. Have hope that Hart will have more success than Hogan or Yokozuna had enjoyed and book him to keep the title.
  2. Hope that the fans will start hating Yokozuna more and book the heel to win.
  3. Have Yokozuna win the title in a screwjob in the main event of Wrestlemania... THEN, have Hulk Hogan run out and challenge Yokozuna to an impromptu match that lasts FIVE SECONDS as Mr. Fuji throws salt in Yokozuna's eyes by mistake and Hogan covers him to win the WWF Championship in a match that he wasn't even in.

If you chose C, you are just as much of a moron as McMahon was in 1993.

Oh, and Hogan wouldn't wrestle a single match in the next two months to give his title reign the slightest bit of legitimacy whatsoever. Fan reaction was so negative to this whole debacle that he would be jobbed out to Yokozuna at King of the Ring '93 and released from the WWF.

Do not watch this show, EVER. You'll go blind.

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