The best compliment I have ever received was, you are totally worth having, if someone can catch you. This after signing off a decade of our life together, ending with you still chasing. Those words made me feel ten feet tall, almost like I had succeeded. My esteem is my armor. I gave you everything that was nothing and nothing that was everything. In a sick way, for that I am proud of myself. I give you full credit for every attempt that you made to remove stones from my walls. If you only knew, you were just adding bricks.
You thought you were rescuing me from myself, and where I came from so many times. You gave me all the worldly things that anyone could ever dream of. In return, I balanced the checkbook, cooked your meals, and had your slippers waiting. How could you have ever dreamed that I need the chaos, the roller coaster to make me feel safe? You made the fatal mistake of accepting me.
Did I ever love you? I know this question still runs through your head, possibly on a daily basis. I want to say I did, to the best of my capabilities. I loved the idea of you. I loved our rags to riches story, one I was too ashamed to ever tell. I loved the material ease. I loved that you loved me, even though most days I am unlovable.
I have a great life now, living paycheck to paycheck. I have my little apartment, with the miniature appliances, and the paint peeling in the bathroom. I have my entry level job, faded jeans, and un-manicured hands. I love my independence. Only because I am not worthy of ever being in control of anothers emotions again.
I just wanted to thank you for renewing me, and being unable to catch me.