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My first question, when she asks me if she has herpes
is, Well, what does it look like?

She says it doesn't look like anything. She says
it's just a feeling right now, like a tingling between her legs.

Well, could you try to describe it? I ask.
For all I know, she may have discovered orgasms.

Wikipedia says Herpes starts out as a tingling sensation.
That's why she's sure she's totally screwed.

You know, I say, it might just be vaginal itching,
and she says that, yeah, it itches for sure.

I ask her about sex. When did you have sex last?
I mean, I'm pretty sure she didn't get it from me.

It's been months, she says, back in June,
when she was giving her relationship one more chance.

I ask her, Did you ever have sex without a condom?
and maybe try telling me where it itches or tingles.

She says, Yeah, then she says, Should I have done that?
The itch, she establishes, is below her clitoris, inside.

I say, Well, no, ideally not, but I don't think it matters.
I type Chlamydia into Google while we talk.

They had a long term committed relationship, she tells me,
and also, she was on the pill, but she's not now.

I mention that Chlamydia is asymptomatic in 50 to 70% of females,
but I doubt she has that. I still think she has itch.

There was one guy, last night, and she doesn't quite know about him.
No sex, but they had what she calls genital-to-genital contact.

I don't think I'd worry about that now, I say. I show her a website.
See? It says the initial breakout is pretty severe.

I ask if she's been especially rough with herself lately.
Maybe she's just chafed, I say. I take notes.

She says, Jeez, I never have the privacy to masturbate,
but yeah, it might be chafing, she says. She got bruised a little too.

I tell her that we'll come back to this later. I know some sites
on the benefits of masturbation for stress relief, and what are friends for, right?

I look up Gonorrhea, but I type out The Clap instead.
I ask if she bruised her vulva, because I imagine it's possible.

No, she bruised her thigh, and this makes me wonder
how does someone bruise their thigh getting to second base?

Well look, I tell her. From what I've been reading,
I'm pretty sure you'll live. I don't think you have anything.

I say, If it's bacterial, you get something for it, no problem,
and with no bumps or sores, I wouldn't just assume Herpes.

She says she's relieved. I tell her, It's probably just anxiety.
Yeah, that's what it probably is. It's just anxiety making her itch.

She thanks me. How lucky she is to have someone like me
to listen to these problems she can't tell anyone else.

I show her the link to a website about hydrocortisone, and I say,
Try some of this, and let me know by tomorrow if it gets better or worse.