What the IRS doesn't need to know

In the United States we have an annual ritual of filling out a long, intrusive report governed by opaque rules and convoluted language known as a tax return. It's tempting to get on a rant about what I think of paying nearly a third of my income to a bloated, corrupt, greedy government, an entity which I personify in the form of a certain red-haired floating fat man who screams "He who controls the spice, controls the universe!" I could comment on politicians who are quoted in the media for backing simplification of our tax code. I believe they are being truthful and will simplify the hell out of it. Someday, the 1040 will be just 2 lines:

How much money did you make last year?_______

Send it in.

Kick ass!

However, I'm going to focus on just one line in the tax return. It is right next to where you sign your name. It says "occupation". I've prepared hundreds of tax returns and never filled in this blank. 99 times out of 100 no one questions why I don't fill this in. But when the 100th person says, "Most intellectual tax preparer god, tell me, why do you not fill in this blank?", I always say:

It's none of the government's goddamn business.

That answer is usually good enough and it sometimes even makes the victim of the current legalized wallet-rape feel a little better. They just got robbed and forced to open up minute details of their lives, but they exercised just a smidge of civil disobedience. You've got to find the silver lining somewhere.

Some people, though, still feel uncomfortable and ask "But couldn't I get audited?" I answer, sure you could. At any time. Do I believe this would be the trigger? No. If you file late every year, have a dozen small businesses, none of which ever make a profit, yet still manage to pay a $25,000 mortgage every year and deduct half of that for home office expense, then, yes, I think you are treading on thin ice. But none of my clients have ever been audited.

Since I'm an obliging sort, if a client feels they need to fill in the blank, I don't discourage them. I like to be helpful, so I have a prepared list of possible occupations that one could use on their tax return if they are so inclined:

Dark Overlord of the Underworld
Corporate Whoremaster
Paranoid Crank
Nemesis of the Conservative Right
Tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms
Olive hollower
Bathroom stall inspector
Bad Mutha-Fucka
Galactic Emperor of Grated Cheese
FDA Inspector for canned whoop-ass
Director of Marketing for Secret Shadow Government
Temptress of the Righteous
Director of Jack-O-Lantern Quality Assurance (seasonal)
Lead Developer of Barroom Bully Taunting
Super-hero sidekick
Bong safety inspector

Use these at will, taxpayers. Make up your own. And if you get audited, I did not say this. I was never here.

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