"Call Us When You're Drunk"

This telephone number, also referred to as 214-583-BJ18 by the board op Eric, is the official phone number for The Pugs and Kelly Show Weekend Debris Hotline. The Pugs and Kelly Show, by the way, is the midday show for KLLI 105.3 which is an occasionally live talk station in the Dallas/Fort Worth Texas area.

The premise behind the Weekend Debris Hotline is this: You're going to get drunk some time in the future. If not this weekend, then next weekend, or the weekend after that. Pugs and Kelly want to hear from you when you do. They have this telephone number attached to an answering machine, and every Monday morning they listen to it, and the funniest bits get played on the air during their show, which is Monday through Friday, after Howard Stern and before Russ Martin. You can learn more about the Pugs and Kelly show at www.pugsandkellylive.com.

By the way I'm not affiliated with them in any way at all. This is not a publicity stunt. In fact, as of my writing this node, I've never even called this phone number. I was gonna call it this morning when I woke up with a hangover, but they said to call when you're drunk, and well, last night I was drunk in a parking lot after a hockey game, trying to get the courage to chat up this sweet chick who had an accent, but she left me for some married guy who later peed on my car. I wasn't in the mood to go find a payphone. Anyway, I couldn't think of anything funny to say this morning, and that's when I came up with this idea.

I just came up with this idea and thought it might be fun. I listen to their show. I find it entertaining. I thought perhaps this weekend we'd surprise them. Granted, unless you happen to be from north Texas, you probably won't ever hear your voice on the air, but think of the positive energy you're sending into the universe by making people laugh. There's a good chance they won't pick your call unless you're particularly funny. I know you reading this may not be within free calling distance of this number. Any long distance charges incurred regarding this stunt are for you and you alone to contend with and I take no responsibility for your actions. I apologize that it's not a toll free number, but really that's not my fault. I mean it's not my radio show. I am hoping that posting their number here will hopefully encourage you to do whatever creative, amusing, or downright absurd thing comes to your creative, amusing or downright absurd mind.

Here's a few suggestions, but feel free to come up with your own.
  • Be mean to me. Since I came up with this idea, your first natural inclination will be to make me suffer for it, and make me wish I hadn't come up with this idea. However, what you don't know is you're only encouraging me. They don't know me from Adam, but feel free to tell them you think Zach is a bastard, or that I suck, or that I'm racist, or ..adopted, or tell them I wear ladies' underwear. Ooh! Tell them I'm gay! That'll be funny.
  • Be nice to me. Call them and tell them I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Doesn't matter. They don't know who I am and they won't get it. Actually it'd probably be better not to mention me at all, come to think of it, but you do what you gotta do.
  • Mention Everything2. Actually, this idea is not officially sanctioned by anybody, least of all the people behind E2, but still it can't hurt to give E2 a free plug. Ooh! Here's a way to add an injoke from the radio show with this idea. If you haven't heard Pugs and Kelly's recent trip to Iceland you're not going to get this but just read the following into the phone and it'll be funny, "So Pugs and Kelly, have you been to Everything Two Dot Com? No? ..Oh you really must go!" I think they'll think it's funny. Or at the very least it'll freak them out.
  • Tell them the truth. Tell them where you got this number, whether or not you're drunk, and tell them where you are. If you're from Melbourne Australia that'll be really cool.
  • Lie to them. If you're not from Melbourne, Australia, tell them that you are and make sure you have a really bad Australian accent cuz that'll be funny.
  • Call them when you're drunk and just let what happens naturally happen.
  • Call when you're sober and pretend you're drunk.
  • Talk crazy. Mention the voices in your head and that dogs want you to run down the steet wearing tin foil on your head. Mention that you're lost in a cornfield and the donkey told you to use your shoe to call this number. Ask them for directions to Rome.
  • Talk about plastic surgery. For some reason, Kelly's really into plastic surgery, and Pugs is thinking about getting a tummy tuck. So if you happen to have an opinion about plastic surgery, feel free to tell them.
  • Compliment Sybil. This is important. Say very nice things about Sybil. She's the producer and she's got a distinctive and endearing laugh, mkay? She's a peach and in no way deserves anything negative you may have to say. Besides, if you say anything bad about her, the jig is up. She's the producer of the show and if you insult her she will fully be within her rights to ensure any calls from E2 people will not make it on their show. So be VERY nice to Sybil. Say all the terrible things about me that you want. I encourage you to be mean to be, but be nice to Sybil. I'm serious.
  • Tell a dirty joke. Or a clean one. Remember this is for radio so if you use profanity they may not broadcast your call, or if they do it'll have a lot of beeps in it.
  • Heavy breathing is very old hat, and may not be all that funny, but hey if you're stumped and can't think of anything else, it's better than doing nothing at all.
  • Be funny. I don't care what you do so long as you call them and are funny.
I have to go do stuff, so this is all I can think of at the moment. I do have a life you know. It's not much but it's a life. I'll come back later this weekend when I have time. If you think of anything, message me and when I get back I'll update this node. If you actually call the number, message me back and I'll add your story to this node. If you don't like this idea, you're welcome to your opinion, but please just let those of us who like this idea to enjoy ourselves and go bother someone else. Thank you.

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Hmm.. Mixed reviews. Everybody's a critic.

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(Added on July 27th, 2004)

It's been about ten days since I posted this, and there's been absolutely no mention of the drunk hotline, which means they've gotten nothing on that phoneline which they felt compelling or amusing enough to air. So I would like to thank the E2 community for completely failing to come through.

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