Why do I even bother caring.. I really thought things could be somewhat.. dealt with. I mean.. By this point, fault, blame, stupid insults aren't relevant. Very unproductive.. Why should I be the one to offer a first step towards resolution? Do they even want it resolved?

"But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that"
Liz Phair, "The Divorce Song"

Why do I care about the happiness of someone who could careless about mine? I do care, because I am a dope? No.. well, yes.. but no. No, because this person is amazing.. they had a big impact on my life.. a good one.. The yes is because I should have walked away from caring, when it was causing me immense anxiety.. and that person didn't hear me. I never wanted things to end this way.. I never wanted anything, but for all parties involved to find their own happiness. That was impossible though, I suppose.

"Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same"
Dire Straits, "Romeo and Juliet"

I think it's useless. I'm not faultless.. I didn't handle things the greatest at times.. I made mistakes.. but it's not about blame or fault.. I don't think they'll ever see it that way though. I just want to make sure they understood my motivation.. and my heart.. then and now.. argh.. why do I care if they have clarity.. when they don't seem to want it.. I guess it's because I know how that can fuck with a person later on.. unanswered questions, misconceptions.. and no one to shine some light.. that's mean..

Maybe personal growth in this area is over-rated. Is it worth it?? I mean one has no reason to dredge up painful things, only lay to rest the ones that aren't packed away in the sub-conscious.

I really should have gone to that ice skating thing tonight. I don't know how I got so side-tracked. First I cut myself.. then I just started reading.. all of a sudden it was 4 hours later.

"I don't know where to start, I don't wanna feel blue"
Madonna, "Bad Girl"

On a totally different note, I don't know what the ultimate goal I am trying to achieve with my latest encore. Part of that whole "raging against giving up".