Viking Lawyer

(A Very Short Play. The Viking Vignettes are intended to be placed amongst other plays in the fashion of television advertisements.)

Parts: Sven Svenson, Attorney at Law

(A man wearing a suit, a Viking helmet, and a placard that says "Got Problems? We’ve got solutions. 1-800-VIKING" stands behind a table filled with fruit and an axe.)

SVEN: Are you having problems with your structured settlement or annuity payments? Credit card companies calling all the time? Have you been injured in an accident and aren’t getting the money you deserve? Social security giving you the run-around on your disability payments? Your neighbor’s dog keeping you up at night? Don’t despair, call me, Sven Svenson, attorney at law.

(He picks up an axe)

SVEN: Beheaded creditors don’t make annoying phone calls.

(He uses the axe to smash a grapefruit in half.)

SVEN: And castration is an excellent motivational tool to get you better results!

(He squeezes a few grapes into mush)

SVEN: I can even have the boys give ‘em a blood eagle!

(He slices open a tomato and rips a good chunk of the inside out)

SVEN: Remember, call me, Sven Svenson. Nobody’s been in the business longer, nobody does it better, and nobody else enjoys helping you as much. Don’t wait, consultation is free!

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