'Tis a shame Vermin Supreme didn't get more attention in the 2011 primaries, but then, he was going up against Obama instead of the Republicans. He never got much publicity.
Part of the problem was that despite wearing a boot on his head, he seemed a little too serious. He let everyone in on the joke too early, in an attempt to demonstrate the insanity of the primary system, and he came off as not quite funny enough. His delivery leaves something to be desired.
Meanwhile, the Republican candidates never explained the joke, so we laughed at them until the very end. I would have liked to see Mr. Supreme (Yes, that's his legal name) up against the Republicans. But their deilvery was smooth and deadpan, and Supreme never stood a chance against people like Herman Cain and Rick Perry.
And yet, I got to see his initial stump speech, and I thought it was good. He threw it away for something more conventional. See what I mean? He could have been funny and he wasn't.
Here is the speech, reproduced in full.
"Some of you are wondering what, exactly, my platform is. I am, after all, running as a Democratic primary challenger -- not as a republican. What could my position be, if not the Party line and not Republican?
I shall enumerate my position as clearly as possible. To wit:
First of all, where do those orange candy peanuts come from? Moreover, snowy owls are extending their range southward. Coincidence? I blame the lemmings, who may or may not have ingested orange peanuts. But who gave them the peanuts? Perhaps Canada. Things that should never mix, things that should mix. Vermin supreme and Mitt Romney in a steel-cage-match baking competition. Wouldn't you all love to see that?
Secondly, Plutonium and…a dwarf? Midget? Pluto?Vertically challenged? That’s vertically mean. Vertically different?
Thirdly, Ron Paul and lobbyists. No, wait! Things that should mix: Politics and women. Just for kicks? Politics and kickboxing. American politics and brilliant pundits. American politics and actual historians. No, they'd never let the historians in the door.
Fourthly, something that should not mix: Vermin Supreme and a psychiatric hospital, because we don’t want to lose me, do we? No, wait! Where do the orange candy peanuts come from if not from the grace and wisdom of none other than the amazing one-of-a-kind here he is folks the one you’ve been waiting for give it up for…oh wait, our speaker is actually Newt Gingrich. Sorry Folks! You can refund your tickets at the door.
Fifthly, Grammar and the interwebs. The orange peanuts come from the interwebs! That explains everything! The internet explains everything! And gets it all wrong. Where do the orange candy peanuts come from? Who knows? I do! They come from the lemmings themselves! The lemmings are behind everything! Including you! RUN! FOR THE DOORS! No, the lemmings are behind everything. No, people, it is YOU who are behind everything! You vote for the candidates! You buy the products! You give money to the people who give money to the people in power, yet you only hold accountable the people who you vote for with your ballot, not your wallet, and then you vote for both groups anyway!
Look at me. I am the voting system laid bare. I am the Primary system with no lies. Look at the boot on my head. Listen to what I say. Do I make any more sense than what my opponents are saying? Listen to my opponents. Do their words have any more factual basis than mine? Then vote for the one who is honest, brave, and free, and leave the moneyed men to their only loves -- not their wives. This is why I am a good candidate. I am nothing but the truth, and the truth is terrible to behold. Vote for me. Also, eat the orange peanuts. They are tasty.
That was not intended as a factual statement. Nothing I said was intended as a factual statement. Nothing you hear from any candidate in the primaries is intended as a factual statement. It's all hokum and hocus-pocus and entertainment. I say vote for me. Am I not entertaining? I wear a boot on my head, and I can sing and dance and juggle and belch the national anthem backwards while balancing a plate on a stick. At least you know what you're getting out of me. Right?
Hey, where are you all going? The snowy owls are waiting just outside the door. No, don't go! Oh, there they go. Bunch of lemmings. Now they're all vertically challenged hundreds of feet in the air. Well, I warned them. More candy peanuts for me!"