Urinal cakes have formed the centre of my existence for some time now. In fact I earn most of my income by selling forest creatures carved out of urinal cakes. I take them to fetes or carve them there where people can watch. When I need more money I also urinate in public on my recently carved out urinal cake friends. I sometimes ask a customer to hold their urinal cake forest animal out in front of them where I accurately target the animal held in grasping hand with minimal splash. This usually brings shouts of excitement and glee from the crowd and results in a booming trade in carved urinal cakes. The parents like them in particular and I grin with expectation as I see them rushing their children home to get their pocket money to spend up big!

On Friday nights I take my carved companions to night clubs where I placed them in urinals. I also show them to prospective mates and use them as erotic enticements to lure them into my inner urinal cake sanctum that I fashioned from one huge urinal cake. At its centre stands a 2 metre tall phallus carved from 1000 joined pink urinal cakes. Many people stand in awe of its power - others lose control of their bodily functions. Then I make my immaculate menage a trois proposals to my expectant mate.

On weekends I take my urinal cake brady bunch family to the park where we swing, run and play. If it rains we have to leave immediately. Tomorrow I'll be carving myself a new wife after the last one dissolved in all the wrong places when I forgot to wash her off. Usually on the drive home from the park we get McDonalds cause all the family enjoys their fantastic meal specials.

As an artistic aside I enjoy urinal cake spotting and collecting oddly shaped artistic urinal cakes wonders from local urinals. Some urinal cakes are carved by the forces of nature in situ and represents artistic works that will only gain value over time (as all works of art do!) I don't wear gloves because the human hand has a perfect glove called "skin" which keeps these precious gems in pristine condition.

Some future projects I hope to get involved in are urinal cake jewelry and and urinal cake orifical plugs.

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