Ladies and gentlemen of the Everything2 jury, I am just a caveman. I was frozen in a block of ice and thawed out by some of your modern scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me!

When I am driving my Porsche down the freeway, I wonder if the sound of the horn comes from angry demons living inside the car. When I eat caviar, I wonder if the fish eggs will hatch inside my stomach and eat my insides. My primitive caveman mind cannot grasp these concepts.

But there is one thing I do know! Unfrozen caveman lawyer is a classic Saturday Night Live skit staring the late, great Phil Hartman. It is about a caveman named Cirroc who is frozen in ice, thawed out, and goes to law school. In the courtroom, he talks about how he is a primitive caveman who cannot comprehend modern life, describing how all his expensive luxury items confuse him. Using this argument, he wins all of his cases and overwhelmingly draws the emotions of the jury. Thank you.

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