I am very aware that God has blessed me… I have so many things that so many people don’t… I have a great family, all of whom love me. Two and a half friends that really care about me.  I personally believe my father abused me. Everyone else claims it was good parenting. Then again, a lot of people go through a lot worse… But I didn’t. I only lived with him for a couple years… I lied for most of my life so far. I tried to reject my god… But he loved me, and was right there when I turned back to find him. Funny how I still feel like he never listens...

Yet… something’s wrong. I don’t have the ambition. I don’t think I deserve anything I have. I don’t really want anything that I have.  I will enjoy them because I have them, but I don’t want them… I want to hurt… Not physically but emotionally. I don’t understand why… My mom tries to tell me it’s just because I’m not working, but it’s not.  I don’t want to commit suicide because I just think that suicides to easy… I feel the need to destroy the positive relationships in my life.Like I shouldn't let anyone like me. I feel like my spirit is bleeding… And I’m tired of talking about myself. I try and numb it all, but that doesn’t work… I was thinking sex helped for a while, but I don’t even know if I’m really even attracted to the woman that I claim to love. I can’t sleep when I need to; only when I don’t want to. I feel the need to be awake while others are sleeping… It’s more peaceful that way.

And it’s intensified with the things that used to numb it now… I’m a good person. I don’t try to be wrong but it’s inevitable. I could never live up to my own expectations. But I have this desire not to be happy. It makes me cry.. I should want to be happy and better myself. I’m just too lazy; I don’t want to put in the effort to do anything. I don’t feel the need... I just want to sleep for ever I don’t feel this way when I dream but I can’t now… I can lie on my pillow tonight and I wish I would fall asleep with all my might but I won’t… I am so dissatisfied that I become disgusted with everyone and everything else…

And I’m a creep…

I’m a weirdo…

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here…

I don’t care if it hurts...

I wanna have control...

I want a perfect body.

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice...

When I wake up tomorrow I’m going to be 40 and I will have accomplished nothing. I’m really smart... I could do a lot if I just tried... but who fucking cares... no one really. People pretend to... People like me... Use others for our own benefit... Try and maintain some attempt at integrity, but end up failing yourself as always. And when you collapse the world sees you and walks on by; maybe drops a laugh. Or someone remembers you out of the blue a couple years later just for a fleeting thought... Then you’re gone... I don’t wanna think this way. What the fuck is wrong with me?

 

The best part is... I will post this just to amuse myself. A random stab at hope if you will. Not that one can ever expect anything from the internet. And someone will tell me how I need to do such and such to be happy... Then another person will tell me to go commit suicide... And best of all some one will come along and tell me that I don’t have proper grammatics. 

Un"der*shap`en (?), a.

Under the usual shape or size; small; dwarfish.

[Poetic]

His dwarf, a vicious undershapen thing. Tennyson.

 

© Webster 1913.

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