The USDA is entrusted with keeping the citizens of America healthy and satiated with nutritious foodstuffs. Why is it then that the food in their own cafeteria tastes so horribly raunchy? Few people even realize that there is a cafeteria located within the bowels of this Washington, DC building, and even fewer realize that one may simply walk off the street and dine there. However, after tasting the so-called "cuisine" that it has to offer, even fewer of these few return, and many of these few are scientifically diagnosed massochists. Here is a sample menu of some USDA home-cookin'....

Tuesday's Breakfast
  • Breakfast Pizza
  • Bagels
  • Fruit Salad
  • Muffins


  • "Hold on a second," you say. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with that menu." And you are indeed correct. The problem is not the menu itself but the food that the menu consists of. Take, for instance, the Fruit Salad. It's very hard to screw up a fruit salad--take some fruit and put it in a bowl. Ahhhh.....but the chefs at the USDA cafĂ© had a different plan. They spiced it up with cream cheese and what appeared to be oats (for the sake of this essay I will refer to these as quasi-oats). Now some people may like their fruit salad with a little bit of cream cheese and quasi-oats, but I, for one, do not like to treat my intestines to such a shock so early in the morning.

    So, forget the Fruit Salad, how about some simple fruit? I mean, how in the world can you possibly screw up fruit? Well, I've found that when I mutter the phrase "How in the world can you possibly screw up _____" the US government never ceases to amaze. Never have I tasted an orange so putrid as the one that defiled my mouth that morning. In fact, if Hitler had somehow achieved the feeling of horror and disgust I had upon biting into that citrus abnomaly he probably would have abdoned the whole silly Nazi thing and devoted himself to growing oranges in the subtropical climate of Florida. This affirms my assumption that the US government is creating some sort of petri-fruit as a secret weapon to use in the next world war. Just like Einstein said, "I don't know what World War III will be fought with, but World War IV will be fought with horribly raunchified fruit from the USDA cafeteria."

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