Toasting a haggis

Haggis-toasting is a popular custom wherever people have lost their sense of smell and taste. If you want to participate in this fine custom, you will need:

• One (1) HAZMAT handling suit, with built-in SCBA gear.
• One (1) .44 Magnum revolver, loaded.
• One (1) glass of whiskey.
• About ten (10) to fifteen (15) dollars, depending on locality.
• One (1) telephone.

Once those are assembled, you may begin:

1. Don the HAZMAT suit in an appropriately sealed area, far from the haggis.
2. Test the seams of the HAZMAT suit to make sure they are sealed. If so, engage the SCBA gear and approach the haggis.
3. Raise the glass of whiskey, and say, in a loud clear voice, "Here's to you, haggis!" Observe the haggis carefully for at least one minute. If you see any movement, take out the revolver and shoot the haggis until it stops moving.
4. Leave the area of the haggis and undergo appropriate decontamination procedures.
5. Remove the HAZMAT suit and drink the whiskey. You deserve it.
6. Use the telephone to call a local pizzeria. Order a large pie with ham and pineapple. After you've gained experience with the procedure, you may want to do this first, to time it so that the pizza will arrive just after you finish decontamination.
7. Pay for the pizza with the money, and be sure to tip generously, as you will still smell of haggis.
8. Eat the pizza.

Hope this helps.