....true, they promise all the secrets to those deep, much-pondered teenage girl questions -- will you have a boyfriend? Does your crush like you? Are you over your guy? Is he cheating on you? Are you a moron for buying this magazine? (Answer: yes) -- but they're always written exactly the same way:

When you are in the library researching your essay on the ozone layer and you're sitting at a study desk and your crush is sitting two desks over from you, and you wave to him, he:

a. immediately jumps up and gives you a passionate kiss
b. glares and says, "fuck off, bitch!"
c. says, "do I know you?"

Then, come the shocking results:

If you picked mostly A's:
Congratulations, girl! You have a boyfriend in your future/your crush likes you/your guy isn't cheating on you. Glad that you have a successful relationship, and we hope you'll buy lots more magazines to inflate your ego.

If you picked mostly B's:
Unfortunately, you probably don't have a boyfriend in your future/your guy doesn't like you/he might be cheating on you. You might want to have an honest discussion with him. Better buy more magazines for relationship advice.

If you picked mostly C's:
He's pretty hard to figure out. But this magazine can help!

My sister reads these magazines sometimes, which is why I've been exposed to them. It's apalling. This is an institution that promotes airheadism.

Not to mention that "Which would you rather be, the sandcastle or the wave?" crap that appear in those magazines. Here's some more annoying selections:

Which would you rather be, the light bulb or the electricity?

Would you rather be a cheater or a two-timer?

Would you want to steal the show or be the show?

You want ketchup widdat? (Sorry, shameless CowboyNeal quote.)

Would you rather be called Sir or Duuuude!?

And finally: Would you rather be excited by someone or put the excitement in someone without it?

These are supposedly written by the same people who write the PSAT tests, only there is no guessing penalty, thank heavens.

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