The following is part of The Focus of Life, a trance-writing by Austin Osman Spare. Please see The Focus of Life for a more complete explanation.
THE SEXUALITY AND SLEEP OF AAOS
Aaos having realized at an early age that all systems of belief, religion and rituals; consisted alone in their original value to their creators; And were of the weary, to incarnate pleasure by hope, control by fear; and to Deify by morals; That cowards fear, and must needs promise pleasure of their sufferings; And they who had experienced "I," would have you destroy its body; and potential: Verily, Aaos realized that the origin of I, was for pleasurable procreation...but that things had been changed.
Aaos then pondered in his heart long over the geometry of the world of senses; and spake thus: "How far short has realization fallen from original conception? Have we not lived all things previous to the event? What is any desire but all desire? But men get married and nothing is sufficiently arbitrary.
I am the origin of all creation, certain it is that I want not salvation,
(observing all the miserably diseased mob)
"O, grant that I may add to the world a far greater suffering!"
God is a precocious creation of the Apes, something that must be suppressed: Man must regain his sexuality.
What is man-this feeder on dead bodies of Self?...A mole, a carnivorous plant, a disease of himself, a conglomeration of-"it was" and a cause, effecting the miscarriage of his desires-ever creating his future necessities:
What man knoweth the perturbations of his own fear?
Verily, suffering is its own reward.
He who willed, knoweth not his own offspring.
Man projects a vague 'Self' and calls it truth and many other qualified names: Verily, once a Thing is named it becomes nothingness to its meaning.
All happiness is an illusion and a sorry snare. All righteousness is a dishonesty and all sin a pleasure. Assuredly, the courageous alone seem safe...without remorse.
Man invented Self-pleasure but knoweth not his own love.
Everything was once arbitrary. Yet they who spoke: their power has ended in common sexual practice-abnormal only with jaded appetites. They who knew were rightly crucified, scorned, ignored and their mouths sealed with their own excrement.
Have we not forgotten more than we shall ever learn?
Where is the magic to revitalize the mouldering words?
Everything is again eventually arbitrary!
What is there to believe that is free of belief? What is there to will that is safe from reaction?
Why is belief always incarnating? Though oft times not even a sincere wish? Who among men knoweth what he believes? Everything is true at some time.
What is this unpleasant Thing, necessity-suffering? How originated pain? What is necessity-but conditioned belief?
What is it we eternally desire and say, through disease?
Verily, directly a man speaketh-he suffers.
What is Self and I? And all these myriad forms called creation-all so essentially like me? Who can realize this Self-portraiture of all Things?
Verily, the sexuality has no limit in conception.
Whither I would go, there had I long been before.
Eternal re-occurence would seem necessary to greater multiplicity!
For what reason this loss of memory by these bewilding refractions of my original image,-that I once made-and out of which spring the sexes?
God is born again of desire, call it by whatever name: this unmanifested memory has no name till belief incarnates. Hence it may be called the re-occuring sub-division of 'I'.
Everything becomes necessary.
Man is subject to his own law: All else is an obscene jest and a lie.
Thus reasoned Aaos in his youth and went to sleep alone.
After a vilely repulsive nightmare Aaos awoke saying:
"Quiescent are my depths, who could realize They contain such criminal abortions of the cosmos?
"What is all body but materialized desire? What are dreams but unsatisfied desires striving to foretell their possibility in despite of morals?
"Life is but will, that has become organic after satiety; its further desires striving for Unity. Death is that further will incarnating in body."
The next day Aaos spoke unto his growing beard:
"Destroy O, my Self, these hallucinations of I am not by knowledge of pleasure.
"Thou mighty ecstasy that willeth Thy pleasure in suffering! Make my consciousness reality of thee in body!
What is Self but Cosmos? What is I but Chaos? Eternally creating its pleasure, everything could become arbitrary.
Whatever deceit we practice, the functions of the emotions are one; their expression dual: Time making multitudinous by denial.
"What is experience, but denial? What is the centre, but belief?"
After a long suspiration, Aaos spoke aloud to his 'I':
"Awake, my Self-love! Leave this hour of cow-dust, I am all things to pleasure. Too long have I lived the nightmares of others in my sleep...Arise! get forth and feed from the mighty udder of Life. Thou art not a cow-herd, nor grass, neither cows no kine! But once again, a creator of cows-who loves their breasts! Are not all things cows to thy pleasure-whether they would or not? And what is Cow? Is it not a fountain? Didst thou not create God, teach nature all secrets and crowd the spaces with cows of desire, unknown and manifesting? Didst thou not create and destroy Woman?"
Again Aaos spoke, but unto his lidless eye:
"Behold thou hoary, white headed, thou silent watcher of night and day: thou death-clutch on the smallnesses of Time! This neither-neither I, shall transvalue ennui, fear, and all diseases to my wish. Dead is my misery in suffering! How could it exist in my Zodiac, unwilled? I, who transcend ecstasy by ecstasy meditating Need not be in Self-love! Verily, this constant ecstasy I indraw from Self-creation. By castrating 'of,' my belief is balanced: my arbitrary automatism serving its diverse self-pleasure."
Then Aaos meditated and murmured: "All things exist by me: all men exist in me, yet who doth not turn away from his own superabundance while realizing? All desire is for unity: thus my vision seeth through mine ears. Let my unity be realized sufficiently, thus shall my sexuality be convenient unto itself and escape the conceivable...Where is lust when the tests wither? Verily these senses have a further pupose beyond their own: thus shall thou steal the fire from Heaven. All things return to their earliest functions."
At that moment Aaos realized he was not alone; and a voice asked:
"Hast thou no fear?"
Laughing aloud, Aaos answered:
"Hidden from thy small susceptibilities, monstrous enormities are commited! On the day my wind bloweth a little the cow-dust away-thou, O fool, shalt vomit hot blood at thine own prostitution and incest. When thou knowest not, the lust wills non-rationally, the belief bindeth with modest Ideas; the body is subject and suffers. What man can prevent his belief from incarnating? Who is free of filth and disease? All men are servile to the great unconsciousness of their purpose in desire. The I thinks, the Self doth. There is no salvation from desire, neither day nor night does it cease its lengthy procreation of cause and effect: penetrating all things inexplicably. Endless are its elements and nothing whatsoever escapes its embrace-but its own Self-love... Should I fear my I?"
Aaos lowering his voice, uttered:
"What further use shall I give my sexuality? Verily it is always speaking for me! This I, non-resisting to the Self, becomes irresistible."
When the voice had left Aaos went his way muttering and smiling:
"Can it be possible that dead wives resurrect?"
For he thought that-Woman was dead. With this reflection Aaos became silent. Awaking from his Self-introspection he spake aloud to his body:
"Man is something that has resurrected from an archetype, a previous desire gone to worms. All conceptions predetermine their degeneration or supersedure by degrees of morality. Verily a new sexuality shall be mine, unecessary to degenerate or surpass. To give it a name, I call it the Unmodified sexuality; without a name it shall be conscious of all desire: thus no ecstasy shall escape me. Its wisdom shall be dreams of Self-love vibrating all the manifestations; I am he, who self pleasures non-morally."
Back to The Aphorisms
Forward to The Dead Body of Aaos
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